Monday, 10 October 2011

Waiting, Numbness, & I can't sleep.

Hello guys. It is currently 3:32AM, And I am waiting. I am waiting to hear from my social worker Kabin, I am waiting for my search to officially start, And I am still waiting for my birthmother to be in my life. One of the biggest struggles my whole life has been is waiting, And that pain gets worse every day. When I wake up in the morning I am alone in this world, I spend the day alone, And I fall asleep wondering why I’m alone. It’s a dull condemning feeling to constantly carry with you. I am the type of person that laughs every day, But with each big moment of happiness there has always been a big crash. Sometimes it’s in slow motion like falling down the stairs. You can’t feel the pain of each step yet, But you know something is happening to you. This numbness waves over me on weekly bases. It makes me feel like a ghost, And sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even speak.
I wonder if other adoptees experience this kind of emptiness in their lives. Does the numbing get so bad you can’t speak? It’s like the disconnect I have for my adoptive family is transferred to everything around me. It’s like I’m suddenly disconnect from the whole world, And instead of being angry about it, I am truly scared. It’s so unbelievably scary to constantly be alone even when you’re in the middle of a crowed or embracing a warm hug.

I am searching for my birthfamily, My true family, A family to make me whole. One of my very best and closest friends Calista pointed out to me that maybe my real family could be her and my other best friend Jordan, Or the family I could birth or adopt one day. I want so badly to just be happy with those ideas of family, But I don’t think that will ever be enough for me. I am very apprehensive of having my own child. How do I explain to a child who will most likely be half Caucasian, “Mommy doesn’t know anything about your grandma or grandpa. Mommy wishes that she did, And hopes you can forgive her for being so sad all the time. Mommy has a lot of anger towards Westerners even though Daddy is Western.”. How do I bring a child into this world when I have no answers for them, When I know how people will treat them for being Korean, For being mixed, And for having a Korean mom and a Caucasian dad. How do I explain to my son or daughter my anger towards Caucasians even though their dad is, And they’re half. How do I let them explore and understand their Caucasian side, And what it socially/culturally means to be American when I know how Caucasians and Americans have treated me.

My search could come up with a million different beginnings and endings. If I have multiple searches and come up with nothing than what, My main hunt for family ends? My other options for a family it to start my own on day. I am only 20, So starting a family won’t be anytime soon. But with all the questions I have that comes with having a biological child, Does that mean I’ll have to wait even longer to start my own family? What if I’m just never ready, Or take too long to try and figure things out. If the timer runs out on my eggs then I can’t have my own child anyways.

I could always adopt in the first place. I’d prefer a Korean baby, But that is also asking a lot from my partner. I’d be asking them to give up having their biological child even though there’s nothing wrong with our bodies, And we could conceive without a problem. I would also be asking them to raise a child like me, A Korean adoptee. I know what a heavy price it means to be an international and interracial adoptee. I feel like me being who and what I am is already a huge strain on a relationship let alone all the baggage non-adoptees have. South Korea’s international adoption is closing next year, Which means living in Korea for most of our lives. That was always a plan for me, But now there’s even bigger reason for it, To adopt a child to start our family.

It’s 4:22AM and my body is begging me to sleep, But I am still waiting and my mind is fully awake. This is just a small peak into what keeps me up so late at night. My thoughts and questions just keep going and going and going. It’s been like this since I can remember, Since I was even 3. Even when that wave of numbness crashes over me my mind works in this state of constants. Now I am waiting for it to be morning and day, So my body runs out of energy, And I can finally sleep.

당신이 잠못드는 밤이 있으며, 자신의 생각을 그렇게 일정한 경우에는 경우에 어머니 있을까. 난 당신이 밤을 수면을 발견하고 하루에 hapyness을 찾길 바랍니다. 난 당신이 마비, 전용 기쁨을 느낄 결코 바랍니다. 난 당신이 옳은 일을 한거야 알고, 그 당신이 날 생각 할 때 지나치게 슬픈 아니길 바래 야지. 저는 당신이 그리워요, 당신을 정말 사랑해. 잘 어머니 수면 ...

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