Hello Readers. I haven't posted recently because I didn't know how to say what's been going on. I couldn't put it into understandable sentences, like it was an impressively massive rock I could chisel away at like I normally do. Ironically my carpel tunnel hasn't been bothering me at all in my numerous attempts to write this blog.
Normally I compose a blog and then talk to my friends about it. Partly because I know what I want to say, but mostly because I'd rather them hear it from me than my blog. This time was different. I had tried to talk about it with one of my oldest friends, but he really didn't seem to care. That really hurt. So I kept my trap shut. After a few weeks I finally told one my best friends who also didn't seem to care, and another close friend the night before and all she could do is hug me tight. I felt so helpless that I was telling them these excruciatingly personal things and they had nothing to say. It made me feel so worthless to them. I know they didn't have much of a reaction because they didn't know what to say, but it still hurts that they said nothing and played it off like it was no big deal.
So now it's been almost a month of getting this news, And I am going to try really hard to explain this. I won't be going home this summer. All the tours are full because most aren't taking as many as they were in past years. The adoption agencies are merging and being bought out. In fact mine CHS just announced being bought out last week. All the adoptee organizations have lost funding, many are preparing to close, running more on volunteers, and loosing resources. Many are only taking emergencies cases, while none of them are sure what that really means. Basically I have to wait a year to go home, it's terrifying to spend another solid year in the states. I really needed to go home this year.
At my meeting a month ago we talked more about the rape story my mother gave the hospital the day I was born. That she was staying at a friends and two male burglars broke in and my mother was raped. I was told months ago that 8/9 times such claims are false. Now I'm being told that there is a very strong and real possibility that it's true. 80% chance to be exact. So I'll just go ahead and say it for you..
I am a rape a baby.
It took me weeks to say that in my head, and then out loud to myself. Now I can't stop.