Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I Am [STILL] Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Lately I've been getting some flack for "claiming" to have eating disorders. That you can't be on one side of the spectrum, while also being on the other side. But you can.

I starve myself as much as possible. It's that one bit of control I have in my day. When I don't eat all day I normally don't feel that gnawing starving feeling until someone says, "What should we have for dinner?" Weather it's with close a friend, or a group of colleagues I have no problem saying that I haven't eaten all day, mostly because I weigh more than most of them. Everyone makes a big fuss about getting food in me ASAP; It almost seems like they care. But then no one dare says anything when I don't eat most of my meal. Although generally I try really hard to finish my meal. I hate it when I'm the only one leaving with a box.

Then there's the other side of the eating disorder spectrum, Where I eat huge meals and munch a bunch of snacks all day. Sometimes it starts because I'm so hungry I just need to friggen eat, and then the eating continues because I feel guilty for eating. Other times I feel so emotionally empty and hallow, I need to literally fill the void. Like most overweight people, I've been overweight all my life because my brain tells me to literally eat my feelings.

Thankfully I don't make myself sick, throw up, puke... Yet. I work hard to fight that urge.

Other people keep asking me why do I talk about eating disorders on a blog about being an adoptee. Well international adoptees [especially Asian adoptees in the states] are at a higher risk for mental health issues than you're average person. Yes, I was sexually assaulted and molested starting at a young age. And I agree some of why I weighed so much as a child was to keep people away. But that does not discount all of my feelings growing up as an adoptee. I felt worthless for not being white. I was an outcast because I wasn't white. They called me"Japanese Girl" from first grade through most of junior high. How could that not effect me self worth and body image?

Eating disorders aren't exactly about the food. It's your brain's manifestation of trauma, problems, or stress that you don't want to deal with. It's your brain's red alert to you, and a way of protecting your conscious from your subconscious. As a kid I needed protection, and I still do as a young adult.

I'm not sure how many pounds I weigh right now; The beauty of not having a scale in the house. It makes me not obsess over the pounds, but of course I then obsess over my looks like barely being able to see my collar bone. I am fucking obsessed with collar bones!! A lot of those with eating disorders keep asking me how can I not obsess over the pounds. Honestly, it's like when your internet goes out for a couple days. At first you flip out, but after 4 hours you're like, "Oh weird. I don't miss Facebook and checking it.. FREEDOM!!"

In early December 2011 I weighed 240lb., barely fit a 3X tank, barely fit a size 18 pant, and wore a 42C bra. Those cups by the way are the equivalent to a 36D. The sizes for my tank and pants are plus sizes, not a regular 18 from a normal store.

Now I wear an xl tank that fits perfectly, a size 14 pant, and a 38C bra that is too big around and in the cups. I'm down about 4 sizes from under a year ago, and none of the weight loss is from being healthy. At all.

Then my best friends, who actually don't know me at all are like, "What? But you go hiking, and running, and play soccer, and all that shit. You're obsessed with protein bars and fruit, How can you not be loosing weight in a healthy way?"

Ok hiking and soccer I'll give you has healthy forms of exercise. But the running.. I do that until I'm so exhausted I basically black out. It used to be just so I could force shut down my racing mind by being so exhausted, to finally sleep. Now it's because I just ate a giant bowl of spicy ramyun, with eggs in it for dinner! Which Is Not Fucking Ok because I had toast with peanut butter and tea for breakfast! And sometimes the only thing I eat all day is a couple protein bars! And I eat a lot of fruit because I know it's mostly water!! But unlike when I chug water all day to fill me up, Fucking fruit has some level of nutrients in it!!

Even right now I'm all, "OMG.. Eggs sound sooo good!" I haven't eaten all morning. In fact I have eaten since my mini chicken Kiev, a scoop of broccoli, and a scoop of rice last night. Actually I ALMOST ate some Goldfish and Triscuits late last night. Even put it in a bowl and everything, but then threw it all in the trash instead.

While typing all of this I have consumed an entire liter, 1000ml, just over 32oz of water. If I list out the amount in more than one way, it feels like more. I am so not done talking about eating disorders. This is such an important mental health topic from both men and woman.

But fore now, I guess now I'll go have a protein bar or some sourdough pretzels.

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