Hello Readers. Some nights, Like tonight, I can't stop watching adoptee reunions. I can't stop listening to "I Wonder" by Gowe. I can't stop watching this Long Island Medium marathon because I just want answers so badly.
I can't speak Korean. I can't get my answers easily. I can barely cook Korean food right. It is all so unfair! And I am so angry all the time because of these things! I see a little Korean adoptees with their Caucasian adoptive parents and I just want to hug them. I see asian couples my age running around the city and I just want to cry. I see these Asians looking at me with sad eyes, and just sensing that I'm American and I die inside. These everyday things just kill me inside. And no one else gets it; No one else needs to deal with it.
I just want to go home. I just want my mother. I would do anything for answers.
I can't stop crying. I've been crying for hours. I am so exhausted. I'd call a friend, But then I'd have to explain how crazy messed up I am and freak them out. I hate being such a bummer. Plus none of my close friends that live near me seem to care about this stuff that much. None of them even read my blog. Which is fine, it's not like I have required reading to be my friend. I just wish they'd recognize how important and hard this is for me. I wish they'd recognize my blog and all of my readers; That this isn't just a random hobby that nobody reads.
Uhhh. As hard as I try to blog it out vs bumming my friends out, My friends' lack of caring and consideration really bums me out. I know it's not them trying to act like that, it's really just how American society socially is. In the states it's all about individualism vs community; No other country in the world is like that. Americans are a very unmindful people. Now I just feel bummed about my shittastic American friends.
This used to call for a giant bowl of ramyun and what ever else was in the pantry to fill the void and eat my feelings. Now days this calls for not eating. Basically to have the ability to control something in my life. But then I lost control and had a big bowl of ramyun anyways. Although I was completely starving, I feel guilty. Starving normally wins, because I have this sick obsession with wanting to see my collar bone as much as possible. But if it's not giving into one side of the eating disorder spectrum, it's the other. I am so over these food issues.
I am so upset with my life, my friends, and myself.
None of this fair.