Tuesday, 21 August 2012

My Birth Search Is Over.

Hello Readers. Yesterday was a really truly deeply bad day. I feel sick and weak just thinking about it all. I have a lot more to say and share, but first I want to explain what happened. I will post a second blog on my next moves.

I got an email from Christine at Children's Home asking for a confirmed number they could call me on. She said they had gotten a response from Korea on the search for my birth mother. It was just after 4:15 when I saw the email. I quickly shot off my number, but I didn't think I'd get a call till tomorrow since their offices close at 5. I posted on Facebook about the email and being terrified. Just after I pressed "post" my cell phone went off..

My heart skipped 5 beats, the whole world stood still, and my wrists went weak. I was completely stunned. It felt like I let my phone ring for hours, but it was only a few times. I picked up and squeaked out a hello, I have no idea how I lost my voice in the moment. The conversation felt like this:

Christine asked me how I was doing and I said, "pretty good". I wanted to tell her I was terrified, that I burst into tears when I read her message. That typing back an email was challenge because my whole body had been shaking and convulsing along with my tears. She started talking about getting regular contact from Korea, and that they had received new information on my birth search.

She said she was very sorry to inform me it was only bad news.

The police had giving my Korean social worker what my mother had down for an address. The building ended up being a bank. They called and asked if she worked, or had worked there, or if anyone knew her. "No." Christine told me there are no other addresses, phone numbers, or insurance under her name at this time. I kept sputtering out phrases as she told me these things, but honestly I have no idea what I was even saying to her.

Christine then informed me I could try to search again in another two or three years. I'm not sure what I said, but I must have conveyed my confusion. She responded to me with "I'm sorry, but there is nothing else they can do regarding you're search at this time." But to please call and contact them with any questions or for other post adoption services.

This hit me like a ton of bricks; I understood. They had hit a final dead end. My search has been completed, it's over now. I thought I had a few more months till this, but.. It's done.

I really wish I had a hug right now.

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