*Context: So I wrote this last night, and posted it right away. Then I deleted it.the last hand full of blogs I've been delaying before I post. When I posted it right away I panicked. I needed to let the gravity of it sink in first. I needed it to be just for me before I share it with you all. Thank you for waiting.*
Hello Readers. Last night I came out of shock.
I felt this bubble of frustration and started talking allowed to my birth mother. "Where are you! Do you not want to be found! Why does this have to be so damn hard!" I screamed and suddenly all the fear and pain that's been suspended over my head came crashing down. I could feel every heavy brick and every jagged piece of rubble falling on me, cutting into me, and knocking me down. I can't believe how much harder my search has gotten this past week. This is the most devastating news I've ever gotten. I am so truly scared of the answers I might get that I can't stop shaking.
I laid on the couch crying on and off from 5pm till 7am. I finally fell asleep from exhaustion. I got a few texts from a couple friends and received a phone called during my absolute cry fest. True to form I replied to all of them as normally as I could. I really hate bumming people out by dumping how horrible I feel all over them. People generally think I'm this strong happy girl, but really the best acting I've ever done is in real life. You're not strong when you have no choice, things just happen to you. I am so good at swallowing pain it scares me. No one should be able to hide that well. It concerns me that I do.
I responded to the texts and call very cool and collected.. Just how I fear every sweet Korean girl is expected to act by American standards. Polite and structured. Maybe I swallow my aches so well because it's just in me as an Asian woman? But then maybe I have aches because I'm an Asian woman.
I haven't cried very much today, but I feel horribly depressed. I really hate everyone right now, except for my friends who also hate everyone. However this morning I woke up early and finally picked up my duvet cover, pillows, and pillow cases. The colors of pale yellow, eggshell, beige, and light charcoal help my state of mind a lot. As does my rad grass green shaggy rug. I'm trying to talk to my art friends about lightening their rooms as well. We're all pretty color sensitive.
I continued my day by heading over to the Minnehaha falls with an old friend. We biked around the falls and climbed down the rock. I couldn't shut up about "Finding Laura Buggs" by Stanley Gordon West, a book based on the area. There's a spot in the rock that's carved out, Laura would climb into it when she needed to be alone. It was really interesting to climb in. Then we got all dolled up to glam it at a super Minnesotan bar, Buffalo Tap, with some other old friends. We ordered a bottle of Grey Goose and got classy! I masked my pain well, ey?
Now I'm home early. Chucked the mask, Chucked the stilettos in the corner, stripped off my dress, Korean-bunned my hair, and slipped on oversized blouse. My makeup and chiffon top looked so chic and fierce till just before I started writing this. Now my beautiful mint chiffon is clogged with Dior Show Blackout mascara and Lancôme liquid liner. Plus it's covered in accidental kisses. I blame my full lips and NARS matte deep red lipstick. What an incredible waste of luxury makeup. I feel like an incredible waste of luxury nothing..
I feel so helpless, Why did this search have to get even harder for me? Only 5% of adoptees search; I'm already fucking doing that! Isn't that hard enough?! I already had to start out with not having her! My best friends are horrible and selfish, and my family hates all of this, and they want it to end horribly for me! I am so angry, and so hurt, and so fucking upset!
I know almost no one can understand what I'm going through, But I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I wish someone just wanted to lay on the couch and in bed all day with me.