Hello Readers. Looking back on the night when I had to call an ambulance for one of my dearest friends, I think I am right.. Sometimes when you're born with a broken heart, no amount of time or change can heal that. I wonder if it's more than that for me though. Could there be other contributing factors to my unhappiness? Whenever someone tells me I'm sad or depressing, Whenever an art friend speaks of being depressed I always say, "Artists are supposed to be tortured". Sometimes we giggle, sometimes we keep talking, But either way it sinks in deep because it feels true. Are we artistic because of the darkness in our lives, or our lives dark because we process and express things artisticly?
A psychic once told me my passed over birth mother told him my love of art, creativity, and drama was from my birth father. Even if that is true art is still a huge means of my self expression and how I process life. It's extremely challenging most of the time to make art when I'm happy. It's when I'm depressed, wrecked, heart broken, aching, disturbed, angry, and hurt when I feel the need to work. It's when I create my best work.
Of course this is not to say I never draw or create when I'm happy. It's just much harder to share that kind of light vs sharing darkness. I think it's harder because when a person looks at a piece they are judging and critiquing your happiness. When they harshly rip apart your depressed work, well you're already angry and depressed as fuck! They're only fulling it, so fuck them! Mostly why it's hard to create when you're happy is because you just want to live in it. You don't know how long that warm light will last and that's scary. Documenting it with a sketch or in a big piece feels dangerous like a jinx. When that warmth is gone it's like your work is mocking you. It's telling you you're foolish as fuck over and over again.
So when the subject of pain and depression is brought up sometimes I'd like to think of it as I'm just supposed to be this way. All this negative adoption stuff, All of the foolish short lived happiness I'm foolish enough to give into, All of my friends being depressed/hurt/dark/and suicidal, And all of us emotional masochists being some sort of artists.. It just feels like a sick dark fate that everything in my life connects this way.
But then.. As strongly as I feel the Korean red string of fate sometimes, I don't really believe in fate or destiny. So I'm left with nothing.
I have no answers for this, Just feelings.