Tuesday, 21 August 2012

I'm Avoiding My Avoidance.

*Let me give you some context so we can disregard the time stamps, and get accurate timing. I finished my last blog around 11 today. I wrote this blog at 3. Then I showered, got all dressed to go shopping, and prompting blacked out next to my bed. So I have slept, I napped till just past 7.

Hello Readers. Whoa that last post was some pretty heavy stuff. I finished writing it hours ago, and still haven't posted yet. I'm not sure why, it's not that I don't believe it. I just haven't let it sink in as my reality yet.

I'm keeping busy; I actually feel pretty normal. A half hour after I got the call I calmed down. I got up, curled my hair, had some tea and toast, and then went to Ikea. I picked up half of my new furniture. I still need to make another trip there and a couple other places.

A little after 1AM a friend showed up at my door to take me out of my bed and into Hmong Town. We had a few drinks, times a lot. It's awesome when friends you don't know well does something really extra special and awesome for you. It's how friendships grow stronger.

Through all these distractions I've only told a few people what's up. Actually I told them in the vaguest way possible, straight up facts. I can't believed I made it through a trip to Ikea and the AMs in Hmong Town without breaking down.

I haven't slept since 2pm yesterday when I woke up, not even a nap, not even when I was drunk or after. I feel awake, even though my body and eyes are completely exhausted. I guess all I'm really doing right now is talking about nothing. I'm avoiding this while talking about how I'm avoiding this.

I'm sorry I'm too numb to get my game face on and talk about my next steps now that my search is over. But trust me, I am not done yet. I haven't given up on anything. I do have a plan to find her, I'm just trying not to feel overwhelmed by this right now.

Sometimes we need a couple days until we can allow ourselves to feel every brick that's crashed down after the tumble. I just need a few days to feel numb and be in shock. I can barely read this, I can barely type, and when editing this I noticed I had skipped a lot of words. Time for bed.

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