Monday, 27 August 2012

I Am Alone.

Hello Readers. I feel like in my personal life I'm alone in this search. It makes it that much harder. I think maybe that's why I'm in shock, because my subconscious knows I have no support for this. Thanks for being the only thing protecting me right now subconscious, even though it's really me doing it for myself.

People keep texting, calling, and messaging me and it helps, but it doesn't feel real. Honestly I think most of them just want the attention of everyone telling them what a good friend they are. I care a lot about people even strangers, Far more than any of my friends seem to care about me. I always say I care too much even. That it's an easy situation for "friends" to take advantage of to always have someone to care about them no matter what. A very smart guy once told me that there's no such thing as caring too much, it's others that care to little. Which goes and in hand with my sociological belief that we no longer have emotional intimacy in the states. It's one of those sad, but true things.

The other night I was taking to a friend about this and he said something really crazy. "...A lot of those people find their own self worth in caring about you. Because you're worth caring for." Now as after school special as that sounded it's the best thing anyone has said so far.

People say all the wrong things, all the same I'm sorry things, or we eat and drink and never talk about what's going on with me. I'm not one for escapism; I like to face things and deal with them. When we don't talk about things, we're really just making them taboo and unsafe to talk about. If people feel unsafe to speak up, then they aren't getting the help and support they need. That helps no one.

A lot of things have been going on with my personal life. My Asian best friend is no longer my friend. He's done some horrible things. He refuses to believe that even though he's done those things I still love him and think he is a wonderful and good person. My very best friend of a tall giant and I are also no longer friends as in we haven't talked in a month. I contacted him a week ago about my search ending, but his lack of response showed he didn't care. With all of his mixed emotions about me our friendship was really complicated. My ex and I are no longer anything? I don't know. He says he doesn't have the motivation to try and fix things. He says he's too afraid to work on his problems. He'd rather just hang out and be kind of friends, but I don't bend that way. All of them would rather be alone and only have friends that they're not close to at all, than to let anyone be close to them.

Me and my sister have barely said two words in months because the way she treats people is horrible. She only talks to you when she's terribly bored and says nothing when her now husband says vicious things about you and your life. The guy made jokes about how much my adoptive mom hates me when he met my friends at dinner.

Moving on to the rest of the family, my adoptive dad thinks this is all a load. He shouted at me that both of his parents were dead, that his bother is dead, and that it's only him and his sister now. He said he isn't sitting around moping about it, and that I really don't have a right too over my birth mother being a rape victim. He also hasn't said anything about my search being closed.

My adoptive mom keeps saying things like "that's life" and "well you'll have to just keep trying if you really want answers". I think she is being so blah about this and telling me to just do it because she wants this to end horribly for me. I think she wants me to be crushed by this so she can say she's the better mother. I honestly think that's what she wants to come from this.

So let's say that I am worth caring for. What does that even mean? And where the hell are my best friends going? I feel like any type of relationship is hard when you are the one who is always there for them. It's exhausting. But now I'm wondering if it's that exhausting for the other person who appears to care much less. I think that kind of guilt could be extremely exhausting as well. It's understandable, but not owning up to it is selfish and childish.

All the texts, calls, messages, meals, and drinks are wonderful and they do help. But I'd rather just sit on a friend's couch watching tv and randomly saying whatever comes to mind knowing its ok to share how I feel about this. What makes it ok for me to share is when someone tells me they really do care and really does show it. I kind of just need a hug and to cry, but I can't because no one makes me feel like that's safe to do with them.

All you need to say to a person is, "I care about you". I honestly might cry if someone genuinely told me that to my face, because something that special and real has never been said to me before.

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