Thursday, 23 August 2012

Avoidance Or Am I Still Dazed?

*More context! Sorry I'm not posting blogs as I write and poorly edit them. I know it makes reading them a little confusing. Things have felt pretty numb lately. I'm depressed in a really compressing my emotions kind of way. I wish I could lAndalusia the bad I know I'm feeling out and share it with you, but I just can't right now. I can't even share it with myself. I wrote this at *5:30AM.

Hello Readers. I'm still avoiding everything. I haven't talked to anyone about it yet. A friend tried to talk to me about it last night, but I glazed over him. He is the only close friend who's really reached out about this. I was actually really surprised he did reach out to me. The most unlikely people have been so truly caring about this. You're both really wonderful, Thank you.

Random, but I wonder why the hell do I add some of the guys I see to Facebook? I post these blogs on there! I mean I like it all to be out there for even strangers, but who just leaves links like these laying around for a sweet innocent guy to click on?

Another friend is staying over tonight at my place tonight. We just drank, watched a couple of movies, and reviewed fashion. By drank I mean tequila shots, by watch movies I mean we talked through both of them, and by reviewed fashion I mean look through magazines. It was a fun evening. I woke up around 4AM and was fucking around Facebook, until I decided to try and write something. Sorry that I'm basically writing about nothing. I don't have much in the way or over wheeling emotions right now.

Now I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist, because you really can't do a birth search without some professional clarity. Between dating and friends I have a million things to talk to her about already. How am I going to get this little nugget in? Just as I walk out the door, "Oh and my birth search is now closed, and I'm avoiding it. Later!" then bolt out? It's such an unhealthy plan that I might just have to do for it.

I really do need to talk about this. The thing I've been dreaming about since I was a little girl; The thing I thought could only ever be a dream is over. It's closed. I can reopen it and try again in a few years, but waiting that long seems crazy. My search is closed. I can't even say it out loud in an honest way.

I haven't been listening to sad music either. Not last night through the AMs, not at all today, and not tonight. I was actually dancing around to "Trouble Maker" by Weezer this morning with my date. I should probably hit up my pillow. Other than earlier tonight I haven't slept since the other night when my body forced shut down and I blacked out from exhaustion.

*So in the end I didn't get any sleep. I just payed there a read some Robert Frost. I got my appointment wrong with my therapist tree times before I got it right. I'm just in a fog over the details right now. I talked about my search being closed with her. She thinks I'm still in shock, and I agree. She almost cried hearing the details of the search being closed and how things have been the last few days. Although being in shock it feels absolutely effortless. I just want to feel what's really going on in my heart.

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