Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Sorry I'm Not Here & Trip Application.

Hello Readers. I have half a year to start applying to the adoptee programs that offer free group trips home. Most take 15-20 adoptees and run 2-7 weeks. I have a lot of time, but this is so extremely important to me I'm starting tonight. So far I have 8 very different drafts, and I'm not sure weather I should go super emotional or not.

A piece of me feels like if I'm super super honest on how much I need this trip and how much it would mean to my heart they would cry, But then I'm sure tons of applicants' stories are heart breaking. Then again parts of my story are so nuts they might think I'm lying.. I honestly don't believe it's happening to me most of the time. But maybe right now it's just because it's past 5am and I'm feeling down. I just thought I'd be in Korea right now; I thought I'd be home.

I feel like my whole life and heart are on hold right now. I don't tell you guys a lot about my non-adoptee personal life but.. There was a guy I was seeing for a bit, and honestly the coolest person I have ever met. Things didn't work out on his end, But I wonder if apart of it was me too. I know for a fact I didn't put myself out there enough.. And I still don't with other fantastic guys. I wasn't myself enough personality wise, emotionally, and physically. Its not that I'm changing who I am or lying to them, But I'm holding myself back all the time. I thought it was being back in the dating game and not striking my jive, But I think it's all this adoptee stuff.

How can I share more than just bits and pieces of who I really am with a guy when I've never even been home? When I just want to jump out of my chair and kiss a guy I'm seeing, or grab their hand and run around a funky park I don't. When they ask about adoptee stuff I can hardly get even a few facts out. When I want to tell even a close friend how I'm feeling about things that hurt I don't tell them how bad it really is. Unless they hug me first, I don't even hug my friends anymore. I still tell everyone I know how great and important they are, And hope they're doing well.. Like emailing them a fun song to start their work day with and to know I'm thinking about them, or texting them to enjoy a trip vs feeling lonely on it. Little sweet things to let people know they matter regardless of how close we are, Because you know I'm a big weirdo. But it's more me giving them how much I care about them, Than me giving them me.

I feel like I'm missing out on the best parts of friendships, and I missed out on a really wonderful guy. I'm still missing out on wonderful guys. Everyone has walls built up around them, but this is different. I have a wall behind me and I keep getting snapped back by this rubber chain around my waste.

I'm sorry my friends don't have their Morgan, although they don't seem to really notice or care that much. I'm really sorry for the guys who didn't/don't get to really meet me. In the end we both miss out, And that really sucks.

But I really am trying to push myself. I'm trying so hard not to let this adoptee stuff effect my non-adoptee life so much. I've been running, hiking, and more camping. I've even been conditioning for soccer that starts in August. The better grip I have on my non-adoptee life the better grip I will have on being adopted. I'm trying to push myself forward and out there. Maybe the next guy will get to meet Morgan vs the shy scared adopted version of her..

Anyways here is the draft I like the best so far::

I am applying to this program because I desperately need to go home. I was adopted by a family who believes finical stability vs emotions is love. Because of this as far as my heart is concerned I have been homeless my whole life. It's completely insane to never be home, never go home, and to never know home your whole life. Korea and my birth mother are my home. I want to go back home so I can know here I come from, and try to collect the pieces of who I was supposed to be. I need to know the people and culture my birth mother comes from.

(Stuff about Korean Culture Camp, Speaking in the international adoptee community, Birth search & blog, And speaking in the Korean-American and Asian-American Communities. Can't really type it now since I don't know what will happen in a year.)

I'm not applying to this on a whim; I don't take this trip lightly. To receive the gift of this experience would mean the world to me. I've had sever depression since I was a little girl, and didn't get help until I convinced my adoptive parents it was real in my young adult hood. I guess you could say I have always been homesick. This trip would help me get better by bringing me that much closer to solving who I am, who I could have been in Korea, and who I am going to be now. To learn about the culture and the people that I feel so connected to yet know little about would fill so many gaps in my heart.

Nothing would make me happier than to finally go home; Please consider me for a place in your program. Thank you so much for your time.

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