Friday, 27 July 2012

Major Birth Search Decisions.

Hello Readers. Today I sit in my room think over this birth search. What will be my next move? Will it be big? Will it lead somewhere? Will i shut this down? I am also searching YouTube and watching videos of reunions as I wonder what mine could be like. I've pretty much locked myself away all morning and all day thinking over this and crying from facing all this pain by myself. (I will post a list of reunion vids later) I have a pretty good idea of what going home for the first time will be like for me. Lots of tears, being scared and excited, and completely freaked out. I know I will also be the happiest I have ever been. I look forward to going home next summer. If there is anything I am sure about in this search is I will going going home. That reunion will happen.

As for a reunion with family, I hope that it will come one day. I'd do absolutely anything just to see a picture of my mother and not even get to keep it! I hope that I will get to meet her, hug her, and tell her how much I love her. I hope that she holds me too, calls me by my real name Kang, and tells me how much she really does love me. In my greatest fantasy we both confess how much our hearts have ached to be together and to know each other. We both never want to let go of each other, too afraid to loose us again. This hope of course comes from a dream where I am not a rape baby. It comes from a small little light that I amazingly still have in my heart.

I have hope. Hope that she was not raped, hope that she loves me, and hope that we will be together again one day. She is the moon that gives me light at night, she is the cool air that wakes me in the morning, and she is the sun that keeps me warm all day. My whole life I have felt her around me, like she is always near, like somehow we are still connected.. I hope that means she loves me, and not that she is dead.

I accept that there are a million and one reasons as to how she got pregnant and why she gave me up. I know there are tons of emotions she could feel about me in her new life now, and I understand why she wouldn't want me in that life. There are still so many possibilities both extremely good and incredibly bad, and I won't find out unless I keep pushing this search..

I have officially decided to see this search through its final months. Not only that, but I've also decided I will push for another round of searching! For the next year I will push KBS to put on I Miss That Person! I will be on that show! If they don't let me on via video cam I will campaign to be on the actual set when I go home next summer!

Missing my mother and not knowing who I am has been eating me alive my whole life like cancer. When my adoptive aunt had breast cancer she said fuck you cancer and did everything she could to fight it. Although I've never heard her swear, Those were the actions she took. Before she passed away she told me to be myself and to be proud. So that's what I'm going to do! I am too proud of who I am and who I want to be to stop now!

If this search ends in nothing and the start of the next one doesn't either, I will get answers when I go home! I will go to my home town and find my grandmother's old shop! I will protest the city and hospital to unseal my birth records! I will look for one of my many aunts and uncles! I know this is our story that we share and I respect that, But this half is mine! I love so much her and respect myself too much to just quit because I'm scared! I will not stop until I find answers! I will find out what happened to her and thank her for my life!


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