Hello Readers! I've been thinking a lot about how I try to keep my personal non-adoptee life out of this blog. I like to keep it as separate as possible. My last few blogs have been how my personal life is being incredibly effected by my adoptee life, and they've gotten wonderful feed back. My gmail blew up from you guys! Thank you all so much for all the positivity and support! I've always been adamant on keeping my two worlds separate, but you love to hear about the details. I also find I'm growing fond in sharing those details.
*So I am very pleased to announce a big change for this blog! I opened with this being no holds barred, and now I going to fully deliver! I will now being talking about My none adoptee life as well as adoption. As long as its something that goes in stride with my feelings of adoption, It will be in here! I think it's really important to know all aspects on how adoption effects our lives as a whole, not just our families.
Since I posted on my dating life I've been working extra hard to push Morgan outside of her adoptee closet and it's been really fantastic! There's always been a pretty steady stream of guys the past 5 months or so, but my relationships with those I'm seeing now have gotten a lot cooler and stronger with this extra boost of me. I am so over missing out on wonderful guys, and am so sick of being "shy adopted Morgan". She can be a super lame date, So I absolutely love being able to shake free from her and just go for it.
It's so completely freeing to be able to tell a guy about adoptee stuff and how much it upsets me, with out it being a big dramatic deal. It is so good to say "Hey, I really like you too!", and finally back it up with actions like holding their hand or giving them a kiss. This is what normal dating should feel like! Not the "shy adopted Morgan" way of constantly second guessing myself only to sit still and be quiet the whole time. I am sharing all of who Morgan is for once, and I am really happy and proud about that!
I also posted on how I needed to push more Morgan into my friendships. Well that hasn't happened at all. I wish talking to my friends about how I really feel was easier, but when it feels like none of them care it's extremely hard. What's the worst that can happen? They turn out to be my fear of "friends" who use how much I care to feel good about themselves, While not actually caring about me? Well fine, I've delt with that before. I do care too much about others' well-beings and it's very easy for people to take advantage of.
At the same times it's like, Well not fine! I don't want to loose my closest friends because I just had to confirm they weren't real friends. That's like a friendship suicide mission! I know they are all pretty shittastic "friends". Confirming it would just be me making them admit it, and then us no longer being friends. I already know what kind of "friend" they all already are. Them admitting it is the clear line of when I will no longer stay.
The sad truth is is that i care more about total strangers, Then even my closets of friends care about me. I wish this was easier..
I wish I could drop my terrible "best friends" and have the room to go for it with my Asian friends! Try and build long relationships with them. We all already have deep relationships together being connected by so many things no one else will ever understand, But we only see each other sparingly vs everyday. I think we could all use that. One of us just needs the balls to step up and take what we all say into action. I kind of think I should get some balls!
Yes, I do realize I just said I should drop my white friends and go Asian my life up. Sometimes race is just how life works out though. My whole life I've been surrounded by Caucasian-Americans who have only hurt, white washed, took advantage of, and constantly disappointed me. I am so sick of the lack of understanding! I have a right to be angry. While my logic might not be sound to most non-asians and non-adoptees my feelings are completely valid.
If my only way of climbing out of this un happy American watering hole is to dive into the Asian deep end, I'll do it. I just need to get some Asian balls first.