Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I love my Asian Friends & My 2nd Biggest Fear.

Hello Readers. I write to you from the hospital. One of my Asian friends was trying to escape from it all last night. He told me his very last secret between us. I told him I loved him regardless. I told him what I tell my teens from Korean Culture Camp, "The things that are hardest to talk about, Are what need to be talked about the most." He took a bunch of stuff to escape and it got so out of control so I called 911. He is safe and ok now. His family knows what's been going on, And I'm happy how positively they're all taking it. I am really happy for him, he's just been holding my hand the entire time we've been here.. He barely let's go.

I wrote that yesterday. As much as I tell all my friends how much I love them, I have a special love for my Asian friends. None of us see each other all time, and agree we feel weird keeping close because Asians freak us out. Despite those two things , We have a special bond because we all are Asian. There are certain things that are just hard for us to live with everyday. Certain things from being Korean in this white world that makes us broken from the start. Adopted or not, It feels like our families are extra fucked up because we're Korean. On top of that in general all of us just have super messed up families.

I just wish we could all be ok. The way he was trying to escape for the night, was how I used to escape almost every single day my freshman year of high school. I had no one to lean on, but the drugs. Eventually I saw myself and really looked. Yes drugs can be fun, But they aren't happiness. They are a short term escape. I'd rather be 100% aware all the time and feeling every ounce of pain, than dull it and feel nothing. To feel things is to be human.

Even though I have friends to lean on, and family that knows what's going on with me as an adoptee, I don't feel like any of them are good support or really want to be leaned on. A couple posts ago I wrote on how alone I felt in this birth search. The only people that rushed to tell me otherwise was my adoptee and Korean friends. That they are there for me, love me, and get exactly what I'm feeling. That they want to know everything, and tell me everything. Now it's just a matter of really doing it.

Looking at my dear friend in the hospital, not letting go of my hand even in his sleep.. Knowing what he's been through as an Asian and as a person.. I wonder how much better can things really be when we talk about them and have real support. I know there isn't a solution, there is only acceptance of all the bad things and a long hard working road to longterm happiness.. But I can't help but wonder if we start out broken, Then maybe we'll always be broken no matter how much we want and try, Regardless of who is around us..

Born broken meaning you're always broken is my second biggest fear in life. Right after my mother being dead.

No comments:

Post a Comment