Hello Readers. Did you know that my three best friends are no longer in my life? Do you have any idea how much that sucks to have on top of all this adoptee stuff? And just to turn the knife in me 90 degrees, my dating life is amazing, my art life is fantastic, and I have absolutely no one to share it with.
For those of you who don't know my ex was my best friend for the past 5 years. Now we don't talk at all, that kid is so far off my radar it only beeps if someone asks about him. But he hasn't changed at all, So it's really good to move on. My other best friend was my closest and dearest Asian friend. A lot of crazy things are going on with him and his family. Things I don't agree with. He can't handle me loving him and thinking he is a good person regardless of what's going on. He told me our friendship was on "a break", because he doesn't think a friend could say the things I've said about what's going on and still love him and think he can be a good person.
What really truly deeply sucks though is officially not having my very best friend in my life. We met almost a year ago and friendom was instant. We hung out almost every weekend, had sleep overs, watched movies, checked out art, and always laughed until we cried. He's also one super tall mother fucker ha!
I actually wrote a blog about him when we had first met. The what ifs of our potential relationship, and how those thoughts alone stressed me out. Who'd have guessed I'd meet one the coolest people I know, and we'd become so close so quickly. Like my Asian friend he's decided he'd rather be alone. He says that it's not nessisarly me, but he thinks he should be alone in general.
Most of my best friends through out my life have run away because they think they should be alone than be with people. They think they're protecting me from them hurting me, but really they're just deserting me. And if they really didn't care about anything and hated everyone, Then they would feel the need to protect me? Instead of facing their issues with me being able to hold their hand, they let go of my arm, and hide back into their holes. I miss their faces.. I miss seeing them in the light.
I wish they'd get sick of be alone and being afraid. I know I'm sick of being alone and being afraid. So I speak out on adoption and I will never shut up. Things in my personal life are unfolding beautifully, and I wish my best friends were here to share it with. I really miss my very best friend. He'll probably never know how much I love that kid, and how much he means to me. Regardless of our complex friendship this past year, I know I'll never meet another bestie that made me as happy as he did. No one ever has made me laugh as hard as that tall weirdo.
As happy as I am about finally pushing my life foreword and getting a grip on things.. Few things shatter my smile more than not having a best friend to gush too. I bet he thinks I'm not upset over this, but I'm incredibly upset. I bet he thinks I'll get over this like it's nothing, but our friendship to me was a big thing. I will not just get over not having him in my life. He has no idea how much I've been missing him, and how much I'm always going to miss him.
So now I just don't talk to anyone about anything. There's no one close enough to me that I can't just call them up in the middle of the week and gush everything to them. The only "people" I gush to about my life is my therapist and this blog. Everyone else just gets snips and segments. It sucks being cut up into so many pieces. It sucks not having someone I can just tell everything too.
I miss my tall best friend. And the only "people" I have to gush to about it is my therapist, and this blog. Nothing matters more than friendship. "Lose one friend, Lose another friend, Lose yourself."