Wednesday, 19 September 2012

I Am Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. (*Yes that was an Oprah Winfrey reference!) I am overweight, in fact I'm quite fat. I've always been the fat girl, and grew up to be a plus size lady. For the most part when it comes to my looks I've always thought I was beautiful. I'll admit I've always felt weird around other koreans who are my height, But so so much thinner than myself. Regardless of jerks who made fun of my weight growing up, there has always been a long string of people who tell I'm a very pretty girl. Few days go by when I'm not genuinely called pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.

Now I did play soccer hardcore most of my childhood and adolescent years, and I also did musicals. I also went hiking multiple times a week when I was a goth kid. So I indeed was moving around quite bit, but I was always still fat then too. I ate a lot. I hate all my feelings instead of stating them, and that became my thing and how I coped alone in my room. Just like how a lot of skinny girls (and guys, because yes men can have eating disorders too) sat alone in their rooms coping by not eating.

I'm happy to be a pretty girl, but it's not me being overweight that makes me pretty. Just like how a girl who is underweight's lack of healthy fat doesn't make her pretty. People at either extreme of what's considered a healthy weight range for them aren't doing it on purpose. I didn't wake up as a kid and think "I bet I'd look friggin hot as a fatty!" Just like how no girl that's underweight woke up one day and proclaimed "Not eating is hot! Bingeing and throwing up will make me sexy!" Just like how gays can't choose to be gay, we didn't choose to wreck our bodies. Unlike gays being born gay as healthy people, We are mentally unhealthy and have eating disorders. Mentally we are sick and that drives our unhealthily feeding habits.

(*For those of you keep score, I did just say gays don't choose to be gay they're born gay. I also said being gay is not a mental disorder and it's healthy. Being yourself is healthy. I'm pro gay rights and pro gay marriage, Or as it should be called human rights and human marriage.")

If you ask an anorexic or bulimic how they feel, they'll tell you they feel like nothing. That they feel worthless and just want to disappear since no one notices them. Now ask me how I feel as a girl who can't stop eating. I'll tell you that I feel worthless too. That no one can see me, and I'd do anything for someone to notice me. We both control our diets because we feel worthless. But she wants to be thin and disappear, and I want to be solid and to be heard. I know it's crazy how with psychology we can see how our feelings manifest into literal actions.

I hate it when I hear fat girls use the phrase "skinny bitches". It makes me want to say hey those "bitches" have an eating disorder just like how you do when you eat your feelings instead of stating them. Pointing out someone who is fat or making jokes about someone who is too skinny isn't cool. It's cruel and it's mean. It's a real jerk move to make fun of someone's body. No one wants to be fat or obese and no one wants to be a dizzy skeleton. Eating disorders are real, Be accepting and understanding of all types of people.

Now I will admit I have always wanted to be one of those "skinny bitches", but honestly it has very little to do with my body's health. It has everything to do with my mental health and being Korean. It really sucks not being able to order one size clothing from Korea. It sucks to have other Asians see my large body and see their faces go from normal to "holy shit!" It hurts to literally not physically fit in with my own people.

I make excuses all the time as to why I'm the only fat Asian girl. I say things like it's how the American diet has effected my eastern body, Or that my weight just fluxes all the time no worries. But if you knew me at all you'd notice I hardly eat around people and you'd wonder when the hell do I eat. If you had class with me last semester you'd have heard my stomach begging for food all hour. If you messaged me on my breaks you'd have heard the menu of what actually sat untouched in my lunchbox most days.

If you knew me really well you'd know I've lost inches since December because I'm so stressed I forget to eat all day, and when I realize it at night I give up and go to bed. If you knew me really well you'd know that when I go work out and run off my stress I push myself till I basically black out and my friend Drew has to help me to his car and into bed.

If you were my very best friend, You wouldn't know that I've been scared all year because these habits are getting worse. If you were my best friend you wouldn't know I'm afraid I'm crossing over to the other side of the eating disorder spectrum. Just like from being gothic and welcoming guys with Asian fetishes, To wearing only chic labels and being freaked out by Asian fetishes.. I'm going from one extreme to the other.

If you were my closest friend.. You wouldn't know I've started to count everything I eat. I just want to disappear now too.

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