Sunday, 23 September 2012

Overcoming Toxic Relationships.

Hello Readers. The past few weeks I've only seen my friends make bad choices. I make bad choices. We've all been in toxic relationships weather it was someone we dated, a friend, or a family member. Lately I've been thinking about my friends' toxic relationships and pushing myself to evaluated my own.

One of my best friends just moved back home from New York. She went there for school, and only has a year left, but decided she just couldn't do it on her own anymore. Like me she grew up getting everything handed to her, but unlike me she broke free. She finally got a got a job at 18, got into good colleges, and left the nest. After paying for her apartment, books, food, everything but her tuition alone for 3 years she decided she couldn't do anymore.

She had a huge breakdown from constantly being alone with out some sort of family. She only sees them when her mother visits her a few times a year. Her dad only sees her for a short dinner if her mother makes him. which is really hard on her since he's in New York all the time for business. She couldn't take not having family anymore.. So she came home.

She's back in the area, she parents took her back, set up a bank account, and now she's under their financial thumb again. But I'm just in awe of her, she did everything I wish I had done years ago. Everything I'm trying to do now, getting out from under my parents. She went out and really lived with a huge amount of independents that I have never known. And just like that she packed up, came home, and turned back into a meek girl.

Lets be honest I live with my parents, I've been handed every thing in life, and I've never really had to work for anything. I grew up going to the best public schools, wearing expensive clothes, and never met any consequences. My whole life I've been living under my parents financial thumb. My sister is 25, married, out of the house with her husband, and she's still under their financial thumb. Basically my parents make up for not really being close to us by giving us money. When there's an extra crazy bad fight in the house my mom solves it by taking me to the mall. My whole family is in a toxic relationship with each other.

But how I was raised isn't an excuse anymore, it's an explanation of how I thought life worked for years. I never understood how people would just move away from home, or buy huge things like cars, rent, and houses on their own. Even when I lived in St.Paul my parents payed for everything. I didn't have a job. In fact I didn't have a job until last summer. I ended up quitting after a few months because I was being racially sexually harassed by a 53 year old man in front of everyone all the time. I never reported it to HR because it happend in front of department managers everyday and in front of one of the HR ladies on several occasions.

I technically I still don't drive either, but I'm working on that. I'm also working on a job search and am hopefully going back to school in spring. I want to work at Ikea or the high end area of a department store. I'm looking for open and creative environments because that's the kind of professional work space I'd thrive in.

I will get out of this house and into a place where I'm happy. This is just one more way to overcome my adoption issues. I've never felt such a push to get away before. Partly because I've always been afraid if I ever really left here, I'd never see my family every again. But now I think I can trust my mom in one way for once, that's she'll never let me ago. That's really unhealthy and messed up, but with enough distance that just might be ok. I don't think I'll ever really be done with this family. I still have hope we could be a family one day. I'm excited to finally get a grip on the financial direction of my life. So here's to gaining real independence!

An old friend from art school has been in same boat as me with a similar break up story. He got back into dating again way before I did, but was doing really swell with being single. A couple months ago he started hanging around his ex again. Now it seems like every week Facebook blows up about them being in a relationship and then being single.

I love his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/boyfriend, but damn that's so unhealthy for them. (Oh yeah, My friend is gay. I'm pro gay! If you're not, Please reconsider your negative thoughts on your fellow human beings.) They aren't bad guys, but neither of them has changed so it's still not working. Also they're both still on and on it everyday. (Yup, I just outed my online dating existence. No shame, Everyone and their mom is on it.) That can't be helping their relationship/break ups either, It also shows what little faith they have in it actually working. Or maybe it shows secretive causation?

After going through so much with an ex to try and be friends, and then just staying away from each other.. It actually seems very nutty to throw all that hard work of being single away. If I'd ever felt depressed over being single. I've never ran back to somebody just because they had known me forever, had known my body, and knew everything about me. It surprises how much I don't think about my last ex. It surprises me how much better I'm doing and feeling about myself getting out on my own. When I ask myself if there's anything left, if I'd ever give it another go. Honestly I wouldn't, No way.

My last boyfriend and I started dating the week before our senior year of high school. We didn't know realize it then, but after a year we had a serious lack of communication. This resulted in the same fight over, and over, and over again. How he literally ignored me constantly reading articles and playing on his laptop, He'd ask me a question and have do idea I answered him. It was like I was being ignored every minute of every day for years. We just turned into two very different people.

I broke up with him, partly to get away, and partly to see if he'd actually miss me. He did, but nothing changed. Things just got worse, much much worse. That went on for over year. It was an extremely toxic relationship for the both of us. I haven't really talked to him the past month, and I don't ever noticed him not being here anymore. I'm proud that I'm never going back to him. [Insert Taylor Swift's new single here]

Currently I'm out dating, and meeting new people,and it is absolutely wonderful. It's everything I never got a chance to do in high school I was always in a relationship or interested in one particular person. I never actually just dated until now. I know it's cliche, but I love being single! It started out rocky and awkward liking someone new, but now? Total rad hipster cake!

The past 4 months of really putting myself out there have really been fantastic. I'm uber proud of myself for shaking off shy adopted Morgan. She's dead weight for sure. I kind of wish I could have a chance to go back and remeet the first few guys I went out with when she was still clinging to me. Not for a chance at them, But a chance to show myself what I'm capable of when I find a way to overcome my adoption issues.

Dealing with my toxic relationships has been the best thing I could ever do for myself. I've had a ton of personal growth over the past 6 months. Every thing I write is to tell adoptees to speak up and let it out. Well this blog, Is to tell you you can come over your adoptee issues. You can grow despite of your adoption. Be free my friends ^_-

No comments:

Post a Comment