Saturday, 1 September 2012

Nothing Is Fair & Valentine's Day.

*Oh gosh here's some more context! I wrote the following last night, it was a shit tactic night.

*Spoiler Alert! Valentine's Day, The movie. Don't keep reading if out don't want a part of the ending wrecked!*

Hell Readers. I'm flipping channels and ran into the film Valentine's Day. And I'm balling right because in the film there's this mom, and she is in the army flying home for just one night to see her son. She's traveling such a distance and for so long just for one night to spend with him. And I feel like I've been traveling my fucking whole life just to find out if my mother is alive, let a lone a night with her!

And last week some asshole just told me at my gate that my big flight is having a huge delay! In fact the flight is fucking canceled! And my only option is to drive there! How is this fair! How is this fair! All of these fucking bastards around me tell me I'm strong enough to get through this, that it's in my life cards, or that it's all in God's plan! Well I don't even believe in any God or connected universe, But what kind of fucking asshole does this to a person!

Who the hell would let me be taken from my mother, my home, and force me to be something I'm not! I'm not white! I will never be white! Who would make my trip back to her even harder by making me hit all these dead ends!! Why! Who fucking does that! I am so angry, and pissed, and hurt! I'm screaming and nobody is listening!

I know all of my friends read this and no one ever says anything that seems genuine. Everyone says they're sorry, or it made them feel sad for me, But no one ever says that they care. No one ever just says that they care and that's all I want. I honestly just need a hug, that's the one thing anyone could to do make any of this better.

Honestly the most random friend could just show up and give me a hug, and I'd totally start crying. And I know crying freaks people out because there's a huge lack of intimacy in the states, but it's not like I'm an emotional girl crying about my bad hair cut. I'm overly emotional because it feels like my mother has been dead my whole life.

*Here's more spoiling*

And the worst part is there's no one here for me during all of this. There's no super awesome guy who see's I'm in a jam to get home on time, and tells me to take his car and driver so that I can be there. And I just wish there was a way to make this easier. I'd do anything to be home on time.

I just need to go home and I have no way of getting there.

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