Sunday, 7 October 2012

What I Have To Live With As "Normal".

Hello Readers. I don't know how to get people to understand what it's like when you don't like your adoption. I don't know how to get others to understand what its like to be physically yellow and culturally white in a white world. How do I get people to understand when it all goes wrong and you just want to stop your life. You want stay in bed everyday because even if you move on, even if you thrive the facts don't change. You will never get out the facts; You're trapped in them forever. I can only lay out the facts that I have to live with everyday. Things you've never had to give a thought to on living with.

I was born without my parents. My whole birth family is back in Korea. I call them family, but they are complete strangers. My birth brings my family shame. My overseas and interracial adoption brings my country shame. My birth mother could be the only person there who knows I exist. I literally can't communicate with her because I have never met her, and because we literally do not speak the same language. There's an 80% chance that she is a rape victim. Which means I invaded a rape victim's body for 9 months, and her first experience with "motherhood" was birthing her rape baby. I am a constant reminder of her assault, and her living nightmare.

I was taken from my home in Korea. Where everyone looks like me, Eats the food their bodies were meant for, and speaks the language their tongues were born to produce. My birth tradition and culture is there, things that I will never learn the same way I would have if I had been able to stay. Those things and opportunities, to be a real Korean were taken from me when I was only 4 months old. Thousands of years of my heritage was stolen from me before I could crawl. My ancestors, my birth family, and maybe even my birth mother are buried there. That soil is sacred to me and it is the home I have never known. I have been homeless for over 21 years.

I was white washed when I was only a 4 month old baby. America took my memories. America took my identity and tore my insides to shreds! Now I can only look Korean. It took me my whole life till my 21st birthday to finally get the guts to get my Korean bangs cut. Because I was scared of looking like something I never knew and missed more than you could ever imagine! And also because I was scared of looking even more not white! I was scared of looking what Americans call "exotic" when I'm just trying to be my fucking self. I'm just trying to be who I was supposed to be!

I'm trying to find Kang Sun Lee. America took her and murdered her the day I came to the states. The movement I got off that plane and you people started calling me Morgan Claire Pearson, You murdered her. She didn't even have one chance to prove she was worth something.

I grew up trying to suppress her. I grew up being ashamed of her. Ashamed that I tanned so dark, confused as to why I loved speech food soo much, and crying myself to sleep I was so lost. I was forced to forget who I was, and who I'm supposed to be. Every night since I was a child I'm haunted by the same dream or nightmare of being a baby in hospital being taking away from my parents.

While you can call you're mom up on her cell and make plans for lunch, I have to dedicated my life to finding mine. You know how back in high school your parents would stay up late for you to get home on time. Maybe once or twice they panicked and called and texted you a million times.. But your phone was off, and a million horrible things Sprinted through their minds. That's what I live with everyday. I am panicking that I can't get ahold of her! I am panicking that I might never get ahold of her, or that when I do it will be too late and she'll be dead.

And this.. This is just the beginning of the list. There's a whole lifetime of things you will never have to consider your every day, your "normal", your life. This is a small small fraction of what I have to live with and try to accept everyday.

Now tell me this isn't as traumatic as living through a plane crash. Tell me I can't just stay in bed forever. Even though for the first time in my life I want to live, and for the first time in my life I'm getting happy.. I still view my bed as an option.

2 comments:

  1. This made me cry, and it made me think about the argument we had in 3rd grade. :/ I know it was juvenile immaturity but I still think about it occasionally and I just wanted to say how sorry I am I ever threw your adoption in your face... I don't remember what any of it was even about anymore but it was a horrible thing for me to do and I probably will never understand what you've been through in your life but I just thought you should know I'm genuinely sorry for what I did. - Danielle

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    1. I remember that, and then we all got in trouble for fighting in class. I'm glad you recognize now why it upset me so much, but we were just kids. No worries, Thank you Danielle!

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