Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Blocked Memories: Part Two.

*A word of caution, This blog is sexually explicit. It contains details of underage promiscuity and sexuality. It also contains details of sexual assault, molestation, and underage abusive relationships. If this is offensive or triggering in any way please do not read. I read and answer as many emails as I can each week, but I only respond to negative messages worth responding to. This blog will be different; I will not respond to any negative messages regarding this blog. Thank you.

Hello Readers. After unblocking a few memories from my childhood and revealing they were positive, I knew what other memories I had to work on as well. Growing up I was very promiscuous. But not every sexual interaction was something I wanted. I have been sexually assaulted many times, molested many times, in a sexually abusive "relationship", and almost raped. It all started when I was just a kid, and finally ended in the middle of high school. The first boy and the last guy are the ones I really remember, It's the in between that's so foggy and locked up in my mind.

The sexual assaults that occurred between the first and the last are all a fog. I can remember who for the most part, and what happened, I can remember the season and what I was wearing, but it's not a clear memory I can recall perfectly. It happened with many different guys growing up. All making it very clear that they were either into Asians, wanted to experience an Asian woman, or that they had been waiting a long time to fuck around with the famous Morgan "The Asian" Pearson, because she was a very fun and extremely talented and gifted Asian slut. They all kissed and groped me, pinning me against walls, pulling me to them, and holding me underneath them. None of the guys between the first and the last tried to rape me, but many of them fingered me and pulled me breasts of out my shirt
to play with in all kinds of ways.

Most victims don't come forward because they're afraid no one will believe them, that people will think they were asking for it, or that they themselves think they deserved it. Other victims don't come forward because they're threatened. Other than the last guy I never felt truly threatened by anyone. But they all made it clear that it had something to do with me being Asian. That fact alone made me feel like worthless shit. I was ashamed and embarrassed each time, that it was only happening to me because I was Asian. Other than the last guy the assaults only happened once with each guy. If I could just remember more, and that is what I will be working with my therapist on. She is currently being trained to recover blocked memories.

In my head at the time telling any adult, close friends, boyfriends, my parents, or sister the shameful thing that was happening to me and that it was because I was Asian.. Was like me admitting I was ashamed of being Asian. And I knew I could never stop being Asian. It just felt like I was stuck with it, that this is just what happens to Asian woman. What else could I do?

Most of you know when I was in 4th grade or so I'm not totally sure, That I had my first sexual assault. I was on the playground after lunch at my elementary school, and a boy I've know my whole life came up to me. He grabbed my breasts with both hands. While laughing at me he said, "I thought Asians were supposed to be flat!" I had started developing very early.. But I barely even knew the stereotype of flat chested Asian woman then. I have no idea how he did.

I was humiliated and embarrassed, I looked around and no one had been watching. I felt so alone that weather someone had seen it or not, no one stopped him. Thinking hard about it now I remember he didn't just grab me.. (And now I'm crying.) He squeezed them in his hands hard twice before he let go. And he didn't laugh until after he said those things to me. The way he said it, it was stoic and cold. After that I had to finish elementary school with him, and we went to junior high together. Luckily for me we never had any classes together, so I never had to see him. He might have gone to high school with me, but I never saw him.

The last time I was sexually assaulted was in high school. It was the winter of my sophomore year. Still just a young stupid kid right? I had gone to junior high with him, but we were never friends. I was always nice to him though. He was introverted, and I always go out of my way to be kind to those shy and quiet who socially get treated terribly by their peers. That fall he had been hitting on me and making comments on my goth corsets, He said he wished all girls wore them. He also said how much into asian girls he was. It was creepy and weird, but I was a young girl starving for some kind of love and acceptance. Unfortunately I was looking for those things in sexual promiscuity; Exactly where love and acceptance can't be found.

He asked me out and I went to one movie with him. Why not? It seemed harmless, and he was nice. He seemed sweet. On the car ride back, He announced to his mom [who was driving us], that I was his girlfriend! I think she might have even congratulated us. The red alert went off in my head! How could I be his girlfriend? We went to a fucking movie and held hands, We didn't make out a bunch of times and then had a discussion on what to call what we're doing!? But his mom was right there all happy and so was he.. So again I was like why not? None of my relationships last past a month anyways, what's one month of my life really going to hurt? If only I had known then.

For the next couple of weeks we'd go to his house and watch a movie, or play video games. We were always in the basement, I never saw the rest of his house. I only had cell reception down there on the stairs and then it was gone, so I'd always carelessly through my phone in the corner as joke. It seemed like a red alarm to be alone with a boy I barely knew, but his parents were always right upstairs in the living room.. We were in white suburbia, have known of each other since we were 12, and went to the best public high school in the midwest.. It seemed safe enough right?

He didn't even really want to kiss me ever except goodnight, which always struck me as strange. We were boyfriend and girlfriend and he wasn't into kissing me. Except for these weird times where that's all he wanted to do, but it was strange like he had no feeling in it. It was like he wasn't into it, but would randomly push for a lot of kissing as if it was something I wanted and a project for him. But he did want to jump right into fingering me, and feel me up all the time. I found myself fighting back tears and just taking it.. Pretending that his actions were normal.

One night he was so into the video games we hadn't talked at all. He was sitting in front of the big chair we always sat on. I was bored out of my mind so I slid my hips forward and put my legs on either side of him and started playing with his hair and giggling to get his attention. I just wanted him to come up and cuddle me while he played, at least then I'd be doing something..

He said, "Oh I know what you want" in a voice that clearly didn't know what I wanted.. This time he didn't just pull my pants down a little.. He pulled them off onto the floor. He pushed me back into the chair and I started flatly saying, "No we shouldn't." He took his small self out and tried to push himself inside me. Luckily he was lying about not being a virgin and had no idea what he was doing. He just kept trying to push himself into my clit. It hurt so much, but I was in such a fog I barely felt it at the time. Later that night at home I was throbbing from the pain. I was actually not a virgin, but I was not about to give him any direction. I just laid there whimpering "no" and "we shouldn't" as if I had some sort of choice in his sick world..

The world I was in was dull and the only thing I could focus on was being able to look over his shoulder and see my cellphone in the corner of the room. I kept wishing I had it in my hand and could call my mom to take me home. I kept begging myself for it, but then I had no idea what I'd say to her. How could I explain this? How could I tell her I'm not a virgin and that fooling around with guys, and being good at is was what I do all the time? How could I tell her I was so fucked up I lost my virginity when I was 15!? How could I tell her it all happens, because I'm Asian and not white like her? How could a white woman understand that?! I couldn't. So I stopped wishing for my phone, leaned me head back, and stared at the ceiling.

He finally got tired and gave up. Then he did again what he thought every woman wanted after "sex" or for him "almost rape", He pulled me over to the couch so we could make out. Then it was time to go home.

After that I didn't see him because he went out of the country for Christmas. The day he got back he was late coming to school, but he told me to wait for him.. I was scared of him, so I did as I was told. He gave me my Christmas gift on the steps at school. It was a half carat diamond piece of jewelry. It was beautiful, and to this day the most expensive and nicest gift I had gotten from any guy. He acted like a big shot, but also as if to say, "no harm done." I still have it too, even wore it
from time to time in high school. It was a horrible gift from him, but in my social world you don't give rid of diamonds and diamonds are meant to be seen. Refusing to wear it would also mean telling why I didn't want to wear it.

After he gave me my Christmas gift he told me we were skipping class, So I did. He took me to one of the stairs wells, we hid underneath the stairs. He then unzipped his pants and expected me to suck his small member. I was stunned, we were in school! Anyone could see us! We'd be in a kind of trouble I'd have never known! But he was waiting for me to start doing it.. As I lowered me head and started he started saying the weirdest shit. Like friggen facts about how long it can take for a guy to cum, Did you know it can take 7 even up to 13 minutes? Because I'm pretty sure it's more of a "times may vary" kind of thing.

After a few minutes I lied and said my jaw and arm were tired. Once again he thought I just wanted to make out, but I stood up and said I really had to get to class. I walked until he was out of sight, and then a ran like hell to class. Since a lot of our classmates knew what he had boughten me, I had to act all proud about the diamond piece of jewelry. After class I ran to bathroom and cried about what he had just made me do and everything that lead up to it. Then I put my new piece of diamond jewelry on and told everyone how much I loved it.

After that we never spoke again. Until a year or so after high school had ended. I Facebookd him! I got the nerve to message him and told him that he molested me and tried to rape me. He simply messaged back that I was a liar and that I wanted it. I told him that I didn't and I kept saying no and for him to stop the whole time, and then I blocked him.

I will hate him forever. I will hate both of them forever. I will always hate all of them for using me just because I'm Asian. At least I wish I hated them, But as hard as it is I believe in forgiveness for all human beings. I will forever be angry though. I am so proud of being and looking the way I do. I am a strong Korean woman, And I will always be this way.

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