Monday, 29 October 2012

Blocked Memories: Part One.

Hello Readers. Last time I said I had two major psychological break throughs to share with you. The first I will share right now. A few weeks ago I started telling my adoptive mom more about how I always felt like the black sheep growing up. How even on family vacations I always thought that they'd all have more fun if I wasn't there. I told her that I never felt close to any of them growing up and that none of them ever wanted to be close to each other or to me.

As always my adoptive mom said she had no idea why I felt that way, and she's sorry about my own feelings. But this time she didn't leave it at just that. She told me when I was a kid people always thought she had the most fun with my sister since she has always been so passive and quite. My mom told them she actually had the most fun with me because I was so outgoing. Can you believe it? She said she had the most fun with me, The daughter who I thought she basically hated.

I started to think back to my childhood, and I actually remember her saying things like that to other parents at class parties. I remember when she came through the door with the other parents to set up the parties.. [And now I'm crying.] I'd basically stop paying attention in class, because I wanted to run up and hug my mom and introduce her to all the other parents and my friends.

Looking back to all my negative childhood memories and thoughts of hating myself for being the black sheep of the family.. I felt negative the whole time, But my mom would always be smiling at me. How could I block out her smiles? So maybe my childhood wasn't so horrible as I had always thought, even when I was living it as a child. I was so traumatized from being adopted as a kid that everything, even if positive I viewed and took in negatively. I had no idea you could block out good memories, but that's just how my trauma manifested to protect me as a child and even as a young adult.

These newly defined memories led me to thinking about other traumas I had to grow up with, but that will be in my next blog.

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