Hello Readers. This is a blog none of us expected. I've accepted negotiating my relationship with my adoptive family. I've accepted that I'm culturally Caucasian-American. I've accepted that I'll never be fully Korean, and I've accepted that I'm a rape baby. But you know what I haven't face yet? My mother's rapist. I kept my focus on her and only viewed him as a faceless rapist. But he is not faceless.. When I look in the mirror I see him everyday; Half of me is him. Regardless of the violent way it came about, He is my father and I am his daughter. This is my letter to daddy.
I wish you had been a better person. I wish you weren't a burglar. I wish you hadn't hurt my mother and her friend. I wish you had been someone else. Someone nice, and kind, who loved my mother. Someone who could love me as their daughter. I wish my father had been a good guy, who met and respected my mother. Someone who cared so much about her he fallen in love, but instead I have you. And you hurt us.
You stole her innocence; you took the joy out of her first pregnancy. You made it so she could not keep her first born child, her first daughter. You made me come into this world through the most dark and hateful act. You made it so bad that I couldn't stay with my own mother. You are a monster, or at least you used to be.. I feel so much anger towards you for being that way. No matter how much you've changed, or how much you regret the actions of your youth you are too late for sorry. You have already wrecked everything my mother and I could of had together.
You took away my Korean childhood, you took away my real family, and you are the reason why I grew up American. Your dark hateful action is the reason why I'm white. You took my home away from me. You are the reason why I will never be fully Korean. You are why I have the heart ripping search for my family. You treated my mother like she was worthless. And all those thoughts and feelings transcended to me as a baby in utero through amniotic fluid. If you don't know what that means Father, let me explain..
I was born with abnormal levels of what average stress, anxiety, and depression are. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 are average feelings, I am at a constant 10. Because of your actions I've had severe stress, anxiety, and depression since I was a baby. Because of the sexually abusive cycle tyou started, I've been molested by several different characters since I was a child.
Father I know you're reading this and are wondering why the heck does this kid of some woman you rapped 22 years ago keep calling you father. Well something that you need to realize, something that I only today realized.. is all of these terrible things that have happened to me.. Being raised white, not being able to be a full Korean, being submitted to psychologically abusive adoptive parents, and being sexually abused from elementary school through my early college years.. These are all things that you caused the spark of. These are all terrible terrible things that happened TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
Yes, I am your daughter. Yes, I am your child. You have a baby out of a rape you caused. You may be on the straight and narrow now. You may have done your service in the Korean army honorably. You might have gone to school and work a steady honest job. You may volunteer and help better your community. You may even be married and have beautiful children now. But you can't count me out of the family Father. I exist, I am your baby, I am your daughter. I want you to know the reality of your young actions from 22 years ago.
It took me a long time to realize I may not be my mother's shining star. But when when I came home to Korea this summer.. I felt love and I learned of how much she truly loves me. I learned of the amazing support my grandmother gave her and I learned my family knows I exist. It took me a long time to find where I am now and learn what happiness is. The next thing I need to learn is accepting you.
I don't hate you father and I actually am sorry for calling you a monster earlier in this letter. But while you need to know how much anger I have towards you for causing all of this.. I am aware you are also the reason why I am alive, without you there is no me. I do hope you've cleaned up your life, and are out of what ever circumstances that drove you to your actions that night 22 years ago.
Father I don't mean to shame you for what happened, but you need to know that you have a daughter. And you need to know what you did to her and her mother. If I ever met you I'd sit across from you and hold your hand, so you could feel how real I am. I'd stare into your eyes to try to see the good in you and hope that's where I came from. I'd let you see my tears fall and roll down my cheeks not out of weakness, but out of sadness for the three of us. I hope you are a better person now.
I wish I could say I loved you Father, but how could I..
-- Kang Sun