Friday, 6 September 2013


Hello Readers. Lets jump right in. When I was growing I used to write letters to my mother all the time. When I had a more serious relationship I'd tell her about the guy, hoping maybe one day those letters would matter. I'd write thinking one day I'd meet her and she's read through what was going through my head from when my husband and I first started dating. She'd read about our happiness and our trials. We'd get a glimpse of what it would have been like had she given me her motherly advice.

Now days that seems so stupid to do. I wish I could call her up after a weird date or a really good one. I wish I could stop by for tea and tell her how I almost cried over a boy. I wish when I cried late at night I could call her up or shoot her text to meet me for coffee in the morning, but if she was right there all the time.. I wouldn't have so much to cry about.

Double D always tells me I can call him when I need someone to cry to. That he's there for me. Plus him and everyone else don't believe I cry. I guess I'm too strong of a kid. Now when I have the balls to call someone, to trust someone, to tell them I love them.. It's all perfectly timed with having no one answering.

If I had someone to call I'd be screaming into the phone that I am so mad! That I really do hope my mother is happy and has a family! But if she was going to have this normal simple life why can't I be apart of it now! Why won't she put her name on something so I can find her, or better yet why isn't she or one of my siblings looking for me! Why do they get our mother! Why do they get a real dad! Why do they get to be made from joy and love! Why did I get shafted and have to be from hate, rape, and be American! It is not fair.

If I had her number I'd call her up right now and cry into the phone begging her for those things! I want all of those things. I had a lame suburban up bringing, but I never had the family or loving parents part. I had a loving mother, but I never got to know her or have a childhood with her. And the siblings I hope I have, they got the loving mother and the childhood. All I had was the basketball hoop and no one to play with or teach me how to hold the ball. All I had was the bat and figured out how choke it when other parents yelled it. It's funny to think many of my friends now that used to play soccer. They still have soccer shit all over their house, and I don't. My parents never came to anything, so we don't display memories they weren't apart of.

So tonight I'm in bed. There is no one next me and I have no one to call. I am alone. Crying about the childhood I never had and the parenting I never got. Upset that my $200 cellphone is completely useless and wondering why I bother to charge it.

I wish I had someone to call.

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