Friday, 13 September 2013

What If I can't Have Children?

Hello Readers. Last night I turned on How I Met Your Mother. **Spoiler Alert: Season 7, episode 18** It's the episode where Kevin asked Robbin to marry him. Before she can say yes she has to tell him that she's unable to have children,. And they break up. This made me think about how my friends always tell me I'm Robbin. Running from relationships, not wanting kids, maybe wanting one kid, wondering if I could ever adopt, knowing I could never abort or give up my child.. But it also made me think of something else.

I have been sexually active since I was 15. I've had 6 partners that I've had sex with, and 95% of time it's been unprotected. Now let me be clear, If you are having sex you should protect yourself. I have been extremely lucky in not getting pregnant and never contracting a sexually transmitted disease. That being said I know it's horrifying irresponsible and immature, but I absolutely hate condoms! I'm a total bro on using condoms, Plus fluid bonding is pretty wicked hot. I'm a terrible woman for not protecting myself.

But the fact that I never protect myself makes me wonder.. Am I really just that lucky, or is something really wrong?

When a guy didn't pull out in time or we decided to just have fun and not care, I always got Plan B in the morning. And I've always had my period. There was nothing more to worry about than not getting pregnant. But now I'm 22 and I know I'm hoping my next relationship(s) will lead to marriage and a family.

With that in mind, How can I let someone really love me before I know if family will be an option with me? How can I let someone walk in a house that may never hold a cradle. So today I'm going to sit my adoptive mom down and tell her my concerns.. If there's anything in my life that she has to understand it's this. I need to know.

Normally I'd realize needing to do something super big and important, and then put it off for 3 weeks. But this time I'm doing it as soon as possible. Family is too important to me to put on hold due to fear. Plus regardless of how the news goes, I do have someone very special to tell. Incredibly special.

Double D and I are officially together. We are boyfriend and girlfriend, even Facebook says so. I'm a hair still walking on egg shells, gonna let it settle in before counting all the stars. We both have a lot going on in our lives, but we joke/talk about the what ifs. Now I'm not saying we're already planning a family or are making a crazy dash to the finish line. But we (mostly he) say what ifs all the time like.. What if we got engaged soon, what if we got married right now, what about kids, and what about living in Korea/Japan.

Now days it's a lot more acceptable for people to get married even through their 30s. But Double D is closing his mid 20s and I'm closing my early 20s. But he knows I look at this relationship as something that could lead to family. He actually said something to the effect of, "But I mean that's what you want right? A family." And I said "Yes of course." We're both still looking for ourselves, but I think we both have the idea that this relationship or if there's ones after us, they all are with a hope at an end goal.

I'd like to think that one day I'll find myself as mentally healed as possible. In love with someone who's in love with me, a real stable relationship that leads to marriage. But without knowing if it's possible for me to carry a child first.. It really comes down to I'm either the luckiest girl in the world and need find birth control that works for me, or my adoptive mom and I have the worst thing in common and it's not her bullheadedness.

If I'm unable to have children and never find my mother.. What a slap in the face that would be. I always hear adoptees say they have something more special than other bio parents. They have a deeper more magical connection, because when they first see their child that's the first time they've met someone with the same face as theirs.

I'm really scared I might not be able to have children.


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