Hello Readers. I actually wrote this last night, but it was really late so I didn't get to posting until now. I'm currently working on another blog right now, but I wanted to get this out first,
Tonight I'm at the park. It's a small lovely park with water features and a soothing amount of lights. It's my safe place and my haven. The place I ran to as a kid when things at home were too much to bare and things with my lovers felt too perfect to be safe. I swear when I'm here it's like my own little world. It's where everything else gets paused and I can just breath.
Fun Fact: This is also the safe place I think of when I get too stressed out. It totally works, therapy kicks ass!
Tonight I'm thinking of my mother. I'm not wondering where she is or crying my eyes out over the separation. I wonder how much searching I'll do until I accept she's gone. Will it be when I'm married and have my own kids? Or will I go crazy and snap? Will I wake up one morning and know it's time, and softly whisper goodbye while sipping morning tea.
Maybe every year until I pass I'll contact my adoption agency to boost my search and hope for the best. An anniversary for it sounds nice, but could I handle that kind of yearly disappointment? Or would it almost become mundane through the years of finding nothing.
I can see me old and grey in the hospital.. Holding my husband's hand, my eyes full of tears.. Telling him, "This is it, this is the end of the line, no more searching.. I have to accept she's gone." I'm not sure how my search will end one day, and I don't know when.. But I'm terrified of the day I give it up. I'm scared for her to really be gone.
Part of me hopes I have a super awesome kid who loves Korean things. I hope they fall in love with Korea and see it as a form of home. I hope they know that's where Mommy's and Grandma's hearts are. When I do pass I hope my child goes to Korea at least one last time to feel us both. They get to feel my love everyday, see my face, and know their father is a good person that loves and respects their mother. I need them to go to Korea and feel our lost family's love..
Nothing is more important than family. If my child learns anything from me it will be how much family means and how much love matters.