Saturday, 25 May 2013

Stress Vomiting: It's A Thing.

Hello Readers. Today has been really rough; the past two days have been a lot to swallow. I thought I had some solid plans in my love life, I thought I had solid plans to leave my job and move forward, and I thought I was really realistic in the possibility of going home this summer.

But today I just started aching with such intense disappointment. I got so stressed out I vomited, and now I can't stop crying from the stress.

I love my job, but I hate sales and was really hoping to get fired and move onto something fresh and exciting. Helping people find the right glasses, and helping them have sight is amazing. But I want a job with critical thinking, out of the box creativity, I want to make lists/organize/and plan events, and I want to help adoptees. Today when I talked to my boss he said I've made an amazing jump in sales. Then my sales supervisor thanked me for all the weird work I volunteer to do, and for always constantly working during my shifts when no one else does. I'm stuck and suffocating.

I'm totally freaked out I won't get into the ECWS program, and then I'd have to wait another year to go home. I've been realistic and accepting of the possibilities of being accepted and rejected.. But tonight I'm feeling a lot of doubt on getting in. It's terrifying to think of waiting another year to go home.. Waiting 23 years to finally go home and to feel accepted.

It's hard to fathom spending another summer in the states instead of home, and stuck at a suffocatingly unproductive job. Both are such big things and together the doubt is breaking my back. Like something as good and pure as getting to go one seems insane. Being told I'm good at a job that doesn't actively help people really bothers me. It's like I'm waiting my time making sales in glasses vs helping people who really need help. Will I be waiting my passion at this job for the next 5 years I'm in school?

Everything started layering up so quickly today, and I started freaking out over what the heck would I do this summer if I didn't get into the program. I got so nauseous. I went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet to hear moving water, and decompress. But instead of taking a deep breath and calming down, I vomited.


I got cleaned up, and did something I've never done before. I called all of my people, all of my closest friends, and no one answered. Of course.

I know they're all studying, working, sleeping, packing up, gaming, or busy in someway. But calling all 7 of them and no one answers? Can someone please do the math on that for me. One of them did call back, but he was already out doing fun shit. I wasn't about to ask him to come help me up from my stress. I told him I just wanted to hang, but since he was out to go have fun.

And now it's 10pm, and I'm sure no one else will be calling me back tonight. So here I am in bed. My chest feels so heavy like there's a thick smoke filling my lungs. Also I have all this week off to take care for my maternal adoptive grandma while my adoptive parents are out of town. I wish I had family to help me.

But I'm adopted.

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