Thursday, 23 May 2013

Driving & Surviving.

Hello Readers. Did you guys know that I don't have my driver's license? Yeah I'm 22 and have to get rides everywhere. Why? Not because I failed my test 5 times and not because I had it revoked. I don't drive because growing up without my mother is scary, and utterly unbearable.

Her missing birthdays and school dances are things that just happen. I can't control the timeline they're set on, but I can't choose not to take on the major responsibilities of growing up. I didn't take driver's education class until I was 16, and I didn't take my permit until years later. I didn't have a real roll-pay job until a year after high school. I didn't start searching for her until I was 19.

I was afraid of growing up at the same rate as my peers because that was more my mother was missing. Growing up meant further defining my identity, and it killed me it was being created without her voice in it. I fought growing up and responsibly my whole life not because I'm stupid or lazy. I fought hard because I was intelligent enough to see how much wider it pushed the gap between me and my Korean identity Kang.

But guess what happened when I was 21? I finally broke up with AND got away from my emotionally abusive ex, my only "support system". I didn't rush into another relationship. I hung out with my bros and stayed single. Eventually I got back into the game and have had the luxury of dating many fantastic guys, some for a night and some for a few months. I've been able to be single and want to be single. It's a kind of sweet freedom I've never tasted before.

Being a single adoptee means doing things on your own. You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have family, and your white friends don't get your shit. It means you don't have a hand to hold when you're scared, or a shoulder to rest on when you're so exhausted you can't stop crying. It's made me a stronger and braver person. I've been surviving going back to school, and surviving what it means to have an actual job. And I've been doing it by-my-self.

** For the cherry on top of this growth spirt I will be getting my license and first car in June. I plan to get a Kia; Korean Pride Baby!! **

Adoption taught me how to be worthless, well I've taught myself how to be worthwhile. Surviving adoption is learning you're worth something, it's learning you don't have to be emotionally crippled forever, it's learning self respect, and to trust yourself. Those are the amazing gifts adoptees get when we don't give up. When we fight what adoption has done to us, that's called surviving!

So here's to growing up. Here's to surviving adoption. Here's to learning how to love when all you've been taught is hate. Together adoptees can beat the negatives of adoption. We don't have to be afraid to grow up! I am a survivor; I am a warrior.


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