Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Yellow Heart vs White Skin.

Hello Readers. I am so angry and mad right now! I am annoyed with, hurt by, and upset with my white friends! They just get to be born with families and being American! Why did all of you get born with your parents! Why do you get to look like them! Why isn't your medical history a fucking mystery, Why don't you live in fear of being prone to a million different diseases! Why do you get to have the same skin as everyone else in this country! Why are you able to speak your birth tongue! Why do you all just get to be born with your culture! You don't have to learn what you're life could have been, should have been, and was supposed to be!

Sometimes I just want to scream at my white friends! Because they do not get how important this is for me! How hard this is for me! I am so mad around the holidays because family is so god damn automatic for them! And none of them get how hard I have to work just to make a good pot of rice!

You might be stressed out over making the perfect turkey or perfect honey glazed ham, but I fucking cry over not being able to slice bulgogi just right! You have a mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins to call and ask for help! But I don't! I have to go on the internet and hope to God I can figure out all these complicated recipes on my own!

I am alone in this! I'd never wish this feeling on anyone, But I'm so mad none of my white friends have to deal with this! I am angry you get to be white, so you never have to deal with what I go through being not-white! I had to make kimchi 9 times just for it to come out right once! While you can ask anyone how to make a cheese burger, apple pie, and what ever the fuck else you find classically American!

I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother!

I am not white! I am not white! I am not white!

You have family pictures, and memories, and birthday cards, and you can call her up, but I don't even have a single picture of my mother! I just know we're the same height! How is that fair!!??!!??

I only have 2 pictures of my foster mother. And today I finally have the balls to post them! I will find my family! I have too! Because I grew up being told it wasn't ok to be not white. And everyone of my friends has told me that in one way or another! And some of them have even accused me of "playing the race card" just because I happen to be not-white! How is that a fair and ok argument? "Oh well you're Asian so you're comparing everything to Koreans" The fuck does that mean? You're only reading me like that because I'm yellow you racist! I don't throw out, "We'll you're just a stupid fat American!" Why is it if you're not-white in America that disagreeing with someone means you're bringing race into it! The fuck!!

Keep your white skin, keep your privilege, call me fucking exotic, and treat me like a worthless asian wonton whore! Regardless of how poorly Americans treat me as less than them, I'd rather look like me than treat people how you do.

No matter how hard I've been whitewashed, I have a yellow heart. A golden heart.

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