Merry Christmas.

Hello Readers. Merry Christmas! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with who ever you consider your family. This Christmas I made a real effort to be apart of what little family I do have.

I spent mine going to my grandma's with my parents. My grandma Donna is simply the best! I love her. She has the best gossip and life stories to tell. I love to ask her questions about when she was first married, the classy heels she used to wear, and how her and my grandpa Paul met for the first time at a dance.

When I was a kid I used think grandpa Paul was like everything other strict old guy. But looking back on it the guy dressed slick, and a bit rockabilly. I've always heard about how he rode a lot of hogs, and had a spitfire bullshitting kind of way to tell a story. But I don't remember that grandpa, and I don't remember those stories at all. Is like hearing a foreign language when my adoptive mom talks about what a "bullshitter" her daddy was. I guess like the childhood memories of my adoptive mom, as a kid I took in the memories of my grandpa negatively too.

After many wonderful talks with my grandma Donna I went to my uncle's. Him and my dad ran away to the man cave/lower level family room, while me and my mom drank wine in front of my recovering alcoholic aunt. My cousin closest in age faked joked around, and my other cousin acted like a priss until he left. Basically what always happened when I used to go to family Christmases. But now that we're all adults and have had time to mature. By mature we pretended all night we were normal and bonded over crafty decor.

In the end this effort made me closer with my grandma, but over all it made me really sad. Sad that I'm not close to my family, that I need to fake a good time. I know everyone has to fake a little around the family during the holidays, but this is me not having a heartfelt connection. It's very clinical for me. The only reason why I get along so well with my grandma is because she's an old fashion lady, and I like old people stuff.

I don't view her as my grandma; I view her as Donna my adoptive mom's mother. I wish I felt like she was my grandma.. When I meet cool old people I always think, "I wish they were my grandparents!" And that's how I feel with Donna.. I wish she was my grandmother vs my grandma, my adoptive mom's mother.

Little Orphan Annie was brought in, and everyone fell in love with her. She loved them too, but said no to being adopted. She found out her parents had passed away, and then was able to fully open her heart to this new family who wanted her so badly. But that's just not how international adoption works. Maybe my family has always loved me and wanted me so badly too, but since I don't have my answers I've been the one always saying no to their love. Maybe part of why this family is so broken be use, I've been saying no to adoption my whole life.

Thank you to my friends who read my earlier post. Thank you for contacting me and for letting me know I'm not completely alone in this. Your support really means the world. But it's still feels so cold tonight. Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you're with the ones who fill your hole the most.