Tuesday, 25 December 2012

To My Friends: Merry X-Mas I'm An Orphan.

Hello Readers. There's a little site called Ancestry.com where their service is genealogy. I just saw their Christmas commercial. It ends with, "This holiday season give the gift of family."

It's like taking a friggin bullet.

Isn't that what most of us want? Adoptees who question want their families back and these holiday commercials always seem so mocking. Like hey just sign up on a whim and find interesting facts about your family. It's so damn easy, and for a small fee you can give it a try. It makes me want to scream and cry, and I do.

Family.

That's all I want every year for the holidays. I wanted so badly to go home last summer, and I so badly need to go home this summer, and I would give my life to go home even for a day this Christmas. Even if it means missing Korean Culture Camp and Teen Camp.. As much as I want to be at camp for my kids and teens, I need this for myself. I need to be a little selfish for a change.

When my birth search got shut down, I didn't feel anything for weeks. I didn't think I could feel much worse unless my mother turned out to be dead. And I always feel so horrible around the holidays, but this year is the absolute worst.

I really need my search to reopen. I am begging everyone to take my case! I really need family, and to go home, be with my people, and find her, and be in her arms, hear her voice, and know my place, and that it's finally safe to grow up, because I have her, and she's no longer missing my life, because I'm finally apart of her's. That's what I want for Christmas!!

My parents and my sister will never understand this, but I used to be an orphan. And because of them that's no longer my legal status; They are all I have.

True like many adoptees I was in the loving care of my foster mother, who I call my second mother. But my legal reality was that I didn't have my biological family the first 4 months of my life, I was an orphan

I feel like I'm the only person I know who would jump in to help someone drowning. And that feeling of caring more than my friends and family do terrifies me. I'm so scared that no one would jump in to help me. I want to be apart of a family that has my back. I want to be close to my parents. I feel like my mom and I are getting closer, but I'm petrified of even passing my dad on the staircase. Maybe I'm not close with my mom, maybe I'm just comfortable.. But that's not love is it.

I am so sick of being alone in this house. I'm scared of moving out, not just because being an adult and moving on with my life without my mother terrifies me, but because I'll loose my parents and sister forever. Even if I just lived in Minneapolis, I'd never feel welcome to come home for the holidays, even when they call to make plans for it.

When we had Thanks Giving here.. I went up stairs an hour before the table was even set.. Because I was scared no one would call me up for dinner.

I have so little family and they'll never love me, or get me, or really have my back.. And I'm petrified of loosing them. Because if I do then I'll have no family. I'm scared that I'll become an orphan again. You have no idea what it feels like to see your paper work from your baby time call you an orphan on-every-single-page!

Yes I did just use the phrase "baby time" from Joy Luck Club. I know they're Chinese, but I watch it because they over come their family's lack of communication and understanding. Even after her mama passes, She finds her sisters, and knows her mother even better.

I feel like an orphan every December.

I'm single, I have no 24/7 best friends, I keep all my friends compartmentalize to very strict zones, I keep the guys I'm dating at arms length, I keep sex as just sex and don't date the guys I have sex with, and it's all because if people got close to me.. They would see me cry myself to sleep every night, because I'm scared shitless of loosing the small tiny unfortunate bit of family I have left.

If I am a rape baby then there's no family waiting for me in Korea. Even though I'll be home and it will fill the major hole, It won't fill all the tiny cracks. There will be no family to help my with the spackle to finish the job. It's why I haven't moved out of my parents' house again; They're the spackle. Stay here, big hole. Go home, still incomplete. Clearly I need a project manager.

This is why I'm a Scrooge, this is why I hate Christmas songs so much I get physically nauseous. This is why holiday decor makes me want to cry and scream. This is really why I really truly hate the holidays.

Please, If you're my friend and you're actually reading this. I am telling you right now that I need you. Don't Facebook me. You have my digits use'um! Or better yet show up on my front door. If you could just be there for me, if you could hold my hand for a second and give me a hug as these holidays pass us.. If you're really my friend please say something, That's what I want for Christmas this year.

Please don't let me be an orphan again this year.

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