Hello Readers. Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, but it marks loss not life. The day I was born was the same day my mother surrender me to a nurse to be adopted. To me it's the darkest grief I've ever experienced. And every year my birthday plans are an absolute mess. So of course I'm going out tonight AND tomorrow with most of my friends.
Yesterday I freaked out and went to two malls looking for a birthday outfit. At friend I was just crying around the department stores . All the woman kept asking if I was ok and all I could say was, "I'm looking for a birthday dress, and I lost my mother!" I couldn't turn off the tears, I had a task and all I could think about was loosing her in my life when I was just a baby. And how she lost her father, And then her firstborn and first daughter 6 months after.How 4 months after I was born Kang Sun Lee was murdered and her yellow body white washed.. How everything.. my family, my life, my culture, my entire identity was taken from me when that nurse took me from my mother's arms.. It's not fair I have to spend my live search for Kang Sun Lee, I'm supposed to be her.
I don't think such loss is something to be celebrated, but to keep my American parents and friends happy I go out every year. And every year it completely fucking sucks. The loss should be enough to deal with, but then my plans always become about what everyone else wants and doesn't want. I try to put my foot down, but there's little say from me. AND NO ONE EVER TELLS ME THEY'RE SORRY FOR MY LOSS! Like they all think I'm kidding when I say I should get "Sorry for your loss" cards vs birthday cards, because I think that would be a lot more humane for me to hear.
People force me into a time that downs work for me, make me go places I do no want to go, bring friends who they know I'm not cool with, and all sorts of other crappy things. I know it happens to everyone, but every single birthday has been like this, even as a child. I think I'm cursed. But year I say fuck'um! I set the time, I set the place, and I sent the invite don Facebook and they'll just have to deal. Oh yeah, Power looks hot on me!
This year I'm pretty sure no one made/bought me a cake, which isn't a big deal..but it's supposed to be a really called for American gesture right? And a bunch of people either canceled on me or just said they aren't coming. Which sucks because its all really fun people, or friends I have seen in a very long time. Also I didn't invite my sister and her husband, in fact I don't even know if my adoptive mom told them I'd be out tonight. But they both made my birthday super shitty last year, and neither of them are welcomed in my personal life right now.
But this year I have a little something to celebrate. The past few years have been really hard in my adoptive family, relationships, school work, jobs, artwork, adoptee life, and my mental health. I've worked really hard to overcome my obstacles. I'm educating my parents, cut out the toxic people in my life, went back to school, found an amazing job, got back in the saddle for art, speak out on adoption, and am finding new ways to cope with my anxiety and depression.
Things have gotten so much better than they were a year ago, and even with all the sad news I receive from Korea, I know my mother would be so proud I'm starting to make it. I love her so much, and have missed her my whole life, and hope that one day I'll have a birthday celebrating finding her. Even right now.. I'm crying for her, I'm crying over the horrific loss I feel..
But hopefully tonight will be better, hopefully it will be fun and only with the people I care about. So until my actually birthday post tomorrow, Cheers.