Hello Readers. Yesterday I was informed that my grandfather, my hal-abeoji, had passed when my mother was 3 months pregnant with me. It's so hard to hear that the hope and dream of his acceptance is a no, because there will never be that chance. It's hard to know the pain my mother must have felt in loosing her ah-pah. I feel crazy that when told the truth I suddenly felt all the pain of my family especially my grandmother had feels in loosing him.. But I'm an atheist and I know that's just a feeling not fact, but who knows.
There's a lot of traditional things that go into Korean funerals, and a lot that goes into more modern Korean funerals. One of these things is the family wearing a black ribbon or hemp clothing for 100 days starting the day their relative passes. Since I just found out only yesterday I wear a black ribbon today. I don't think I'll wear it for 100 days, but I will until I feel I can go with out wearing it. Think of it as not only a symbol of my grief, but as a crutch for my sadness in loosing him.
I have "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World on repeat. There isn't a more perfect song for this. The few friend's that called or messaged me about all this seemed scared, like they didn't have a clue what to say. I guess I've experienced so much loss of my birth family and in my adoptive family growing up dealing with grief just seems natural, but most of my friends haven't even lost their grandparents yet. But even if you have nothing to say, just call or message, stop buy, come kidnap me, be a friend. Anything.
Sometimes it really sucks being your own rock everyday, all the time.