Friday, 1 February 2013

Want To Date Me?

Hello Readers. Lets talk about relationships, lets talk about dating adoptees, and Asian-Americans. My life is consumed by adoption. It's in my art, my everyday conversation, it's what I volunteer in, it's what I speak out on, it's why I'm a sociology major, and it's what both of my blogs are all about. I've been feeling happy and having a sense of control in my life the past couple months, but there are still l so many things wrong with me.

I still have depression, I'm still an anxiety riddled mess, and my stress level is just as insane as it's always been. I just manage it better now. I'm only dating, fooling around, and having fun because I don't think it's fair of me personally to ask someone it accept the burden of my incredible identity crisis. It's just too much to ask.

I was scared during the break up and even after when I met the first guy I really liked. How am I going to pull all of this big goals off, and search, and go home by myself? It's so hard doing this with out someone's hand to hold, but I honestly would never wish for a hand to hold. It's too much for me. I'd never want another person to have to deal with all this, constantly being weighed down by me. I'd never ask another person to do that. That's why no matter what a friend tells me that I can count on them, I'd never call them when I need someone. When I'm crying all the time, when I'm upset over all this stress, when I'm so depressed I want to quit life, when I'm so frustrated from the lack of love in my adoptive family I talk allowed to my mother and just deal. And I've learned to do it by myself.

Plus I don't want a relationship. I love the freedom of being single. I've said it a million times, but oh my god! It feels so good to only have to worry about me for a change, and not these major interactions with another person. My life goals and what I want each week comes first. I admit that it's selfish, but I've never really put myself first before.

I'm happy to be unattached since my break up. I love being able to rebuild my plan by myself, and then maybe find one whose plan can coexist and grow with my own. That's what relationships should really be. Not staying together because of history, not clinging to someone because your scared of being alone. Being with someone because you want who they are in your life. Because not only do you support each others life goals and want to be apart of them, but your plans also fit together with out force.

When I date someone I make sure we're on the same page. Completely chill and casual dating, and no catching major feels. That we're both in it to have fun, and not looking for a relationship. But I'm a cool Asian intellectual, who can take shots, kick your ass in a video game, and can do it all in bold red lips. But being a smart girl who is also a chill bro not pushing for a boyfriend tends to get a lot of attention from my dates. Basically whenever a guy I'm dating wants more of an exclusive relationship, I shut it down. They caught the feels, something we both said we didn't want.

Since getting back into the dating game there's only been two guys I've really liked. One couldn't handle the by products of my adoption issues, and the one right now.. Well he's one of my best friends. Every time we all go out, he makes it spectacular.

He makes everything simple, and seem so easy, and I want him. He's an extraordinary person and open to learning and accepting my crazy adoptive problems.

But I still have to say no. My plan and possible life in Korea isn't far along enough for me to want to be in a relationship. Maybe in a couple months, maybe in 2 years, but not right now. He is such a fanatic bright light, I'd never want to take some of that away from him. I fear burning anyone out with my crazy adoptee issues.

This is what it's like to date me an adoptee. It's a pretty wild ride, but if you get in too deep.. I'll run and kick you out if my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment