Hello Readers. I haven't posted for a while, but boy are you in for a treat! My instructor canceled our appointment, and now have all morning free! Since I have no homework, It shall be all blog time! And I have lots of blogs that only need to be edited and posted! *Also warning this post is insanely long. Grab a drink, a snack, and make sure to take a bathroom break ^_-
I always try to find new ways to find new ways of explaining the incredibly traumatic psychological abuse many adoptees receive from their adoptive parents. For me I was constantly told how much my adoptive parents didn't like Korean anything. They hate the food, they find no interest in the culture, and have random very expensive Chinese decor in the house. They raised me to be white; to be their American Girl doll. Unfortunately for them my butt still has a couple greenish spots that say, "Made In Korea". *Also many Asians have those funny colored spots where the yellow pigment in our skin has misdeveloped. They're nicknamed Mongolian Spots.
Anyways this crazy, super intense fight broke out in the kitchen a few weeks ago and I think it's a really good example of the kind of psychological abuse my parents gear towards now that I'm older. Keeping in mind of course like most adoptive parents, they don't mean to psychologically abuse their children. But also like many adoptive parents no matter how many times they're told their words and actions make their kids feel hurt, want to self harm, or even kill themselves they can't stop.
So my whole life I've had these little weird bonds with my adoptive dad. Because of him I put mayo on one slice of bread for my sandwich and butter on the other. Because of him I eat and love lutefisk. Because of him I love super corny dorky jokes or maybe that's the Korean love of corny humor? But by no means are we close, we've never been close. I've spent my whole life literally tip toeing around the house and avoiding him 24/7. At some point in elementary school I didn't have to try so hard, because I realized he was doing it too. I've spent my whole life trying to at least get him to like me.. I think that's why I picked up on those little bonds as habits.
A few weeks ago in the middle of my adoptive parents eating dinner and me making my own my mom started her usual psychotic screaming. She was reading my paycheck and freaking out about the taxes blah blah. I told her I never read that amount please don't tell me. She freaks out more, screaming. I told her I never look and never want know because if it means helping my fellow human being regardless of what services and do and do not use, I want to help. She keeps freaking out, my adoptive dad booms in and screams at me to, "Stop your bitching!" Yup.
Yeah let me back up for you and explain that again. My adoptive mom is literally screaming at me for not caring about how much the government takes out of my pay check and how Obama is turning us into socialists, I ask her to not tell me and to respect my beliefs, and my adoptive dad tells me to stop MY bitching. The man has said hardly a paragraph to me in 21 years, but finds that ok to say. He goes on and tells me how selfish I am. One time he told me I was the most selfish bitch he knew; I was 15. A guy of very few words, but he knows how to really make them count.
I decided to get some balls and tell my adoptive dad about the new laws in Korea making searching almost impossible. I guess I was hoping if he heard something from me for a change and not through my adoptive mom he'd finally get it. I tried to explain the importance in searching and all the possible outcomes. That most likely my mother is a rape victim and probably won't want anything to do with me, but I won't know the truth until I try. He didn't look at me the whole time. He just gets angry like why would I waste his time with that. He told me that they aren't real problems, that all he has is his sister now and he never complains. Basically that what I constantly want to kill myself over is bullshit and selfish. He goes on to say I have nothing to feel upset about and to get over myself.
Lately I've been taking on a lot more responsibility. Focusing on going back to school this spring, starting a new job that pays immensely well.. So I took right then to show him how serious I am about this. I admitted that I felt like they were shafted in adopting me. That I know they didn't get what they wanted, like what they got from my "white" adoptive sister. That despite my intellect I'm an academic mess, a failure even, and that it makes me a huge financial pile for them. I admit it.
I thought I was showing a lot of responsibility, and being an adult, and everything I thought my adoptive dad wanted from me.. By telling them I wasn't going to go home this summer. I thought about it a lot and that it's something I should pay for. I told them most adoptees have to wait until their 30s and 40s to go; That I should be able to wait to. In fact I think me going at such a young age seems so unfair to those much older than me who haven't been able to go back yet.
I told my adoptive parents that I should be the one paying for it, especially since my adoptive dad doesn't support any of this. The whole time he couldn't even look at me once. I thought I was being everything he wanted out of a daughter, I was trying so hard to sacrifice for them and make up for my mistakes and stop being such a disappointment to him. I just really want him to like me. So badly.
"I'm trying really hard to demonstrate everything you've always asked of me. I just want you to at least like me for once! You'll probably never love me, but I at least need you to like me!" He never answered, he never looked up, then my adoptive mom answered for him, "Well I don't know why you think we don't love you." And that's just it, it's right there in her "answer"! They NEVER say it, my adoptive mom just says she doesn't know why I feel that way. Well I don't know, maybe because that's you're fucking answer!
I offered to give up Korea this summer, and wait to pay my own way, to show my adoptive dad how badly I'm trying to gain his respect. That I can never be white for him like my adoptive sister is, but I can still be a good responsible person. And nothing. My adoptive mom said no, that they're budgeting for Korea, and that's final. She said they were both on board for me going. That they were told me and my sister might want to go back. She went on to say how rare the case was supposed to be though..
I told them I felt like shit that I was the messed up one of their 2 daughters that needed to go back. My adoptive dad said they were paying for Korea, to keep my job part time, and to stay in school, and that's final. He just got up and left..
Sometimes my adoptive mom talks as if she really cares. Maybe she does, but it's hard to show you care about something you don't want to understand. She said she can barely get my adoptive dad to talk about what movie to rent let alone his feelings on me going to Korea. But the look on his face whenever anything Asian even stupid ramyun noodles is mentions.. His face.. It would be better if he stabbed me in the gut, the look on his face completely destroys me. The way my adoptive mom tried to sweep around them not loving me and them both thinking they got shafted in adopting the fucked up kid, that kills too.
To them this isn't real, and if they keep ignoring it and buying me things it will all stay just a dream. Sometimes I can't believe I'm the only person in the family who admits our reality is real. Sometimes they play their cards of believing none of this is real so well that I just need to scream on Facebook about what a fucking psychopath my adoptive mom is. It helps to just let it out in a public service announcement. I don't care if it's disrespectful, it helps give me that pinch to know I'm awake, that my feelings are real, that all of this is real.. It amazes me this isn't just a nightmare.. It amazes me that my body isn't in a coma in some hospital. I desperately wish it was though, so I could wake up and find a real loving family around me.
That is the best example I can give on what it's like when your adoptive parents are psychologically abusive. Whether they mean to be or not it means things will always be boiling over. Changing the social structure of an individual family is hard and takes a lot of time. I've posted in past blogs all the things I do to try and bring about change, but with very little success.
I always say, I will not shut up about this subject to my adoptive parents or to anyone. Our stories and feelings need to be heard. We are the transracial adoptees, we were the ones taken from our birth countries, and washed in whatever paint our adoptive countries had. They promised us a better life. But the truth it many of us didn't get one. We got things and money instead a family that loved and supported us, instead of a family that respected our birth cultures.