Hello Readers. My birthday was full of relationship and sexual drama. I'm super annoyed of selfish people. I'm also annoyed of people who don't manage their liquor well. This is probably the best of all the bad birthdays, the bad being all of them. I think I'm pretty much over such American celebrations, next year will be a Korean dinner with who is nearest dearest to me. So I'll probably have dinner by myself because I always have to keep everyone at an arms length, no matter how badly I want them and need them. But on the bright side one of my friends was a real sweet heart and got me a birthday cake, colored me surprised. It's the best birthday tradition/gift anyone has given me.. Which also makes me really sad. But that's enough about birthdays because they suck. Let's dive into something fatefully serious.
In cases of child soldiers US rehabilitation states that the first thing they learn is that it is not their fault. That they were forced into the identity of a soldier, a killer, and that is not who they are. I feel like understanding identities of international/interracial adoptees should have the same first rule. It Is Not Our Fault.
We were forced as children into the identity of being white. We were made into Americans, something that is against our nature, and not who we are. We are constantly being told from the media, peers, parents, and sexual partners that lighter skin and wider/rounder eyes are what true beauty and power are. That blonde hair is The Best. We're told our whole lives that any sad or negative feelings we have are our fault. It's our fault we're not good enough to be loved and kept by our birth families. It's our fault we're not white. It's our fault we will always look different and exotic. Our handsome men are defined as feminine and therefore weak, Our beautiful woman are deemed as second class citizens and "wonton" whores, and ultimately we're ALL labeled as un-American.
We're told that the one good thing we've done is made families for our adoptive parents, but it's still our fault that we aren't their biological children. It's our fault that the product they bought didn't actually come with a guarantee of "the real deal" of a biological child. Our identities are our problem, our fault, and we are to blame for everything. Shouldn't the first thing we hear is that none of this is our fault? That we were just babies who got crammed into a mold of the American ideal, a mold that we're not made fit. We'd NEVER expect our adoptive families to cram into the mold of our appa or umma. We'd never force them into Korean food, Korean culture, and we'd never think it ideal for them to learn Korean. Why are we not raised to accept ourselves, to love our genetics, and to be proud of our birth countries.
Tell me America, what is so goddamn wrong with being yellow? What is so bad about not having white skin? Why are we loved so much less because we can never really replace the biological children our parents couldn't have? Why do you blame us for not fitting these identities that aren't even ours?
This is all pouring out of me because I was watching a Bones episode **Spoiler Alert*** on child soldiers. I get so angry and upset when I see and hear about a group of people being ripped from their identities and their normal culture, for the purpose of pleasing others, who force them into a new mold. It just makes me want to scream for them that NOTHING is their fault! That they are loved, and seen, and known in this world. And that I will do anything to help them understand that. I will do anything to help an adoptee find their way back to who we were born as, who we never got the chance to be raised as.
"The Search of Kang Sun Lee" doesn't actually directly refer to my birth search, it's searching for me. It means searching for that little baby who had her whole world, her culture, her tongue, and her identity taken away from her. I'd do anything to get Kang Sun back. In Korean Kang Sun means "Calm, Beautiful". I hope "Calm" means I laid lovingly still in my mother's arms. I hope "Beautiful" means she was happy to see my face and know her first child, her first baby girl. Whoever that little baby she was holding was, she was murdered when she came to America, and I hope I find her and know her one day. I hope to find Kang Sun, my identity.
어머니 난 그냥 당신 집에 가고 싶어. 나는 내가 정말 마음 깊은 곳이다 누구를하기로되어 있었는데 누구인지 알고 싶습니다. 나는 내가 태어 났을 때 당신이 만난 강 태양을 만나고 싶어. 나 역시 당신의 충족도 못해,하지만 태양이 별을 그리워하고 달이 태양의 따뜻함을 그리워보다 당신을 더보고 싶어. 널 무척 모두 내 전부이고, 난 그냥 당신을 다시 갖고 싶어. 난 당신을 사랑스러운 사랑 해요.
"Mother I just want to come home to you. I want to know who I was supposed to be, Who I really am deep down inside. I want to meet the Kang Sun you met when I was born. I never got to meet either of you, but I miss you more than the sun misses the stars and the moon misses the sun's warmth. You both are my everything, and I just want you back. I love you dearly."