Sunday, 11 September 2011

Starting My Birth Search

Hello, I am a South Korean adoptee. My adoptive American name is Morgan Claire Pearson, And my birthname given to me by my foster mother after my birthfamily name is Kang Sun Lee. Please feel free to call me by either name. I am 20 years old and grew up/still live in Lakeville, Minnesota. I am making this blog along with vlogs to document my search for my birthmother Joo Sook Lee. I sent in my first request forms for the search about a month ago to the Children’s Home Society in St. Paul, MN. This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. I have always felt a need and love for my birthmother and birthfamily. I always had an emptiness growing up; The hole I could never fill was my lack of family. I am not emotionally close to my adoptive family. I have always had a huge disconnect with them. Most people think that sounds like I’m ungrateful, But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am so very grateful I grew up finically stable in a safe neighborhood in a safe town. I am so very glad for all the opportunities I’ve had growing up with the white privilege of my adoptive parents. I am especially grateful for the full education I’ve had and am still attending to. I am also very sad that we could never pull together as a family; It will always be one of the biggest shadows in my life.

With this search I am putting nearly impossible childhood fantasies to the test. Since i was a little girl my birhtmother was everything to me, She was more magical than Santa Claus, And in my mind she loved me more than anything because that’s how much I loved her. Today I still love her more than I could love anyone in the world. In reality i know she could be dead, or not want me in her life, Or her family doesn’t want me to exist because of the dishonor, Or she's married and has a family and kids. I constantly have to remind myself of what want her wants and needs could be, and what her current life could be so i don't put all my chips on one roll. It’s because off all these things and my wanting for a family is why I am searching for my birthmother. I also want to know why I was put up for adoption, if any of my birthfamily knows I exist somewhere, And to let them know that I am alive and that I love them.

The other day on the 9th i experienced a lot of heavy adoption/birthsearch stuff. I am scared, excited, and more lost than i thought i'd be from starting this. I learned that not everything will bring me closer to relief, But that each step will be a great challenge to pull under my belt. When I got the call from my social worker for my search, Kabin, I felt so overwhelmed. She told me a lot of things I didn’t know, And took me through the process of the search. She gmailed me the forms she needs in order for the agency in Korea to officially start the search. Since I got off the phone with her I keep needing to take a minute to just consecrate on breathing. I keep trying to slow down, But my heart is racing. My emotions are high because I keep bursting into tears. My eyes keep filling with hot tears, tears of sadness, tears of loss and being lost, and tears of hope. I have so much hope, But I am also afraid. Sometimes the fear feels like it’s squeezing the tears out of me. I am afraid of all the bad things and even the good things that could come from this search.

The comments area is a safe place for anyone to post. If you feel uncomfortable, Or would like to ask something personal about me or of yourself please feel free to e-mail me directly. My e-mail for all my adoptive related writings is :]

I am prepared as I can be for the beginning of this search. I am ready for this, I am ready to know the truth, And I know right now is right for me. My next post will be more about my current self and the work I do with Korean adoptees. I’m very excited to share and explore more with you, Thank you so much for joining me. 감사합니다.

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