Hello, I have a lot of good and happy news to share with you from last week, But that will have to wait till tomorrow. Why not tonight? Because today was hard. After some dress shopping for my adoptive sister’s wedding, Me and my adoptive mom when to her mom’s. We found out my cousin had been fired from a job. He had been there about a year, And the whole time had a really critical work environment. According to my adoptive mom during the course of his employment she had been saying he shouldn’t have had to put up with it. This comes from the woman who gave me no support in quitting my last job. I quite my last job because of the racism and the sexual harassment that was both racist and nonracial. I was so mad! My cheeks were burning, And i could feel the tears boiling inside me. I took a chance and asked her why she felt that why, what was the difference? She told me that I had already quite, And to drop it. That I was only trying to “stir up things”. I just wanted her to explain the difference of working with people who are critical and working with racism and sexual harassment. She yelled at me to shut up. She got out of the car and ran into Walgreens to pick up a card. I sat in the car debating on whether I should walk home in the rain, Or try not to cry when she got back. I called my best friend to tell him, And I realized I was done with stepping around things with her. I hung up and as soon as she got back I told her I wanted her to understand and be supportive. She claimed she was and exaggerated as if I were the ridiculous one, “What do you want me to do? Go in there and slap them around for you?”. At that moment I had the strength and spirit of my homeland and my real family bubble out of me! I told her she never believes me on anything! I repeated all the things she said to me when I spoke of the racism and sexual harassment at work. That it was nothing, That it didn’t sound bad and I was blowing things out of proportion, And that only I saw it that way! I told her that is has always been that way. That I get treated differently because I’m an Asian woman, That people see me as a whore like they hear about in the news, That I’ve stopped reading so many books and articles because they used phrases like “wonton whore” as a normal term for an Asian woman. That this racism IS REAL, And it’s in my everyday life. I told her the 1st time I was sexually assaulted was in 5th grade. He grabbed my chest during recess, While laughing at me he said, “I thought Asians were supposed to have flat chests!”. I knew then it was race based, And I couldn’t tell anyone because it was very clear our family didn’t talk about race or adoption.
She disregarded everything I had to say and blamed me for not telling them.. She blamed me.. me.. I was just a kid, I was in 5th grade.. She said they’d obviously had done something if I had said something, But i didn’t. She just kept blaming me…. I squeaked out that when I tried talking to her in junior high I told her I was depressed and needed help she didn’t even look at me and said it was a phase.
She makes me feel like worthless trash. No matter what i say or do, No matter what happens and how much it kills me she doesn’t care. I couldn't count the times I’ve been sexually assaulted because I’m an Asian woman. I am trash to her, i clean myself up and she throws me away again. Now I am just typing this, And I am crying because her blaming me hurts, Her control over my happiness hurts, Her never being there for me hurts. Not having a mother hurts.