Friday, 4 October 2013

A Lonely Holiday II

Hello Readers. I really hate my adoptive parents right now. Who leaves their disturbed child alone for the holidays? I feel like I could disappear and nothing would change in their life. If I didn't have such a thirst to go back to Korea I'd kill myself in their house. Give them the best present to come home to; a real fucking Christmas miracle for them! Maybe evoke some sort of emotion out of them that they hurt me that fucking much and this is not a phase!! I hate them!!

I just want to scream, and cry, and shout at them until they fucking get it!! They are not good parents, but they are all I have. I hate every single thing about them right now and I hate that I need them so badly. When are they going to wake up and realize that they have a child desperate for their attention. Desperate for some thing besides money from them. I can't continue to never be enough for them to fucking care about!! Ahhhh!!!

Everyone keeps saying I should come home with them for Christmas, or our friends should have our own Christmas together. Every year it's the same.. I skip the extended family Christmases, but at least there was always Christmas morning with.. My parents. Everyone makes these offers, but I'm too ashamed to have to explain to someone's family why I'm not with my own family. That I'm adopted and my adoptive parents don't love me. The truth is kind of bummer when carving the Christmas ham.

Of course lots of people have Christmas parties and I attend, but my closest groups have never been ones to want such an event. Why force them to have an extra social event to worry about? But like any person I wish I had a Ted Mosby around. A best friend that would fuck off Christmas and try and give me some cheer.

I'm thinking about taking the same days off my parents are gone. Either throw a couple parties, or stay home and cry on the floor. As brilliant as those options are I do have the 3rd option of getting out of town. I need to get my head out of this mess. I'm still looking for a way to get stronger.

Basically Readers this Christmas I will be alone. I have to find a sense of real family somewhere, because this life. This life isn't working.


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