Hello Readers. One of my last days in Korea I met with my Korean social worker.. The lovely woman who has been doing all the searching for me, who says she feels my pain across the world. She told me pieces of my adoption story that I had never heard before.. She found a way to heal my heart without me meeting my family..
Let me tell you the story of my family: My mother had been living in Seoul sharing an apartment with a friend. 2 male burglars broke in, things were stolen, and she was raped. From this terrible act I was conceived as her first child and first daughter. 3 months later she left Seoul and came home to mourn the loss of her father who died of stomach cancer. But she skated by and no one found out she was pregnant. That year the Lunar New Year (Korean Christmas) landed on Feb 15th. She again left Seoul to come home for the holidays as did her brothers and sisters. Her mother recognized her daughter was very pregnant. She was present at the doctor appointments and adoption counseling. I was born and placed in adoption on Feb 24th. My mother wasn't alone during everything, my grandmother was there when I was born. My grandmother knows I exist. She knew me! My family knows I exist!
From this I finally know that my family knows I exist, and that my birthmother really did love me. She loved me so much that she kept me alive. She loved me so much that she risked herself by taking me home to my grandmother. My grandmother loved supported her through the loss of her child, and I didn't completely wreck her life.
When I read this all to Double D, he asked me how this changed anything. That I didn't have control over what happened to her. What's done is done and my life is still the same. I told him that it makes me happy to know her family supported her. This tells me how much she loves me and that I'm not a faceless rape a baby to her.. Maybe she didn't kill herself when I was a child because she had support from our family. When she gave me all of her love till her heart was empty, they filled her with theirs. I've spent the majority of my life blindingly believing I was her everything, and then last 2 years heartbroken that I could mean nothing to her.. that she could hate me. But now all I know is her love. He got quiet, held me hand, and we just cuddled up closer. No one else has ever understood my adoptee stuff like that. Wow.
I will always be searching for her, but if I never find her.. At least now I can die knowing how much she truly loved me. I can die knowing I'm not the only person that knows I existed in her life. And that makes me so unbelievably happy for the both of us. I've been questioning if I could ever bring myself to get married, and now.. I know that's something I want and something I can do. Her blessing is how much she loves me; I can finally live my life now.
I'm grabbing my education by the horns and will have my BA at 25. I have plans to go back to Korea in a year, and hopefully live there for a year or two after my BA. I received my drivers license on Monday, first try! I've been car shopping and picked up a 2012 Kia Rio. I've admitted my feelings and offered my heart to the very special Double D. Weather that works out or not I'll be ok, but the really big deal is its not the only thing making me happy. Us being in love is only adding to my happiness.
I accomplished my childhood dream of going home, and I fell in love with Korea. I'm happy with what I know of my birth mother. With her love veiling me, I am ready for life to begin.