Tuesday, 3 April 2012

I Am A Foolish Girl (Two)

Hello Readers. Did you know that I am too Asian, too cute, too sexy, too intelligent, And too much of a good person? That's all I've been hearing the past few weeks, and it is really bumming me out. It seems to be isolating me more now that people are pointing it out vs me just noticing it on my own. How can't be too Asian? I look extra Asian because I got bangs cut, I wear mostly Korean based clothing, and sure I wear bows in my hair. It's strange that just looking on way can be too much, even though culturally I'm at a huge lose for being "too Asian". Too cute? Fine I'll give that to them. As much as I love the bows, they also make me look more sweet than 21. Maybe I like bows because I know it's a Korean thing to be ekyo, or maybe I like them because I am just too cute.

Too sexy, now that one is even strange to me at times. Some people are really into Asians, some people have Asian fetishes. And hey I well aware that I'm a Plus size girl, and some people have creepy fetishes for it, another are super turned off by it. But then.. There is that special brand of creepy where you don't see many super Asian looking woman who have a bigger but line and hips.. A select few might consider it just the right kind of unique rarity.. Of course I run like hell from all of these people!

Am I really too intelligent? I really don't believe there is such a thing, it's seems pretty impossible to have gained too much knowledge. Thats just my belief those if we put my brain in different settings sure, I am too smart and it sucks. But unlike the popular belief it is not because I'm Asian or because of how I was raised. Intelligence is something that cannot be taught, it's is a brand of thinking that you either have or you don't.. But most people seem to lack this quality, not staying everyone isn't smart.. Just that the majority aren't profoundly intelligent. My brand of thought pretty much isolates me even my smartest of friends. Most of whom are in from sort of mathematical and tech/IT sciences. I don't solve those puzzles though, I solve social ones. If I weren't intelligent I would fit in better. I could lead my life more blissfully, all this adoption and Asian stuff would matter so much less to me. Sometimes I wish I was less self aware and more blissful, my mind would weigh so much less.

Too much of a good person? This is by far the most confusing to me. I try really hard to be a good friend, and I put a lot of effort into all of my relationships new and old. To be honest a lot of times I just get fed up, and kind of duck out for a few days or a week. I never duck out on the adoptees I work with, but they're just teens who need someone to talk to. I've been told I'm a really old person almost everyday this past week actually. It bewilders me, and makes me wonder how much of myself I don't put out there.. Because I think I try and do good and make some sort if difference, but a lot of times I feel it's out of selfishness.

All of these "too" things combined some how leads to most of my closest friends having some sort of beyond friends feelings for me emotion, physical, or both. Some how in my eyes it all connects to be being a Korean adoptee. I think I'd be accepted in a more appropriate way, and loved by my fiends as just a friend for being me. if I was white and not adoptee trying to make a difference in the international adoptee community. I also believe it to be selfish of me to stay close with my friends who do have extra feelings for me that I do not reciprocate. I should step out of their lives so they can move on and find some they could actually have something with. Instead I am selfish, but if I stepped out for them then I just wouldn't have any friends.. And I do not want to further isolate myself form the worlds population.

Readers I wish I could change all these things about me all the time. To be less Asian and more western looking, to not be Hello Kitty cute, to be attractive regardless of my race, to be more blissful, and to just care less about people. But I cannot be that all-American girl, I like bows, I can't change my biology, I cannot let my mind waste, and I cannot stop being an adoptee who grew up empty and wants to help other find ways to be fulfilled. I wish I could change these things but I can't. I really am the foolish one, just nobody notices that.

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