Hello Readers. Today I'm skipping class, I am using this time to get some work done for classes and to share with you. At first all I could do is listen to all different indie tunes and actually submitted a playlist for The Currant's coffee break.. Guys all I do is write about adoption, and all I think about is this incredible hopelessness I have in finding something more in life.. Finding family. My whole life I kept finding these little nitches where I thought I fit in, but later I'd always get reminded just how different and isolated I am by being myself even if it felt like I belonged for a second.
Ever since I was a kid I barely got by in school because I never did the homework. Why do I just blow off something as fundamental to learning as homework? I just think bout hopelessness, and being isolated, and suicide in class and outside of class.. But this semester was different than the past 21 years. I took summer and fall off hoping that for this spring semester my mental health would be better, that I'd have a handle on things, that I'd be closer to a conclusion in this hot mess of adoption.. The truth is I am more confused and messed up now than I was a year ago when I started my break.
I'm not sure how I'm going to tell my adoptive mom this. I tell her what freaky things consume my thoughts that causes my complete lack in focusing, but she basically doesn't believe me. Not sure how to tell her this is another semester thats pretty wasted.. Not sure how to tell her I can't pick a major because I don't have a mother to tell me that she loves me, that I matter, to say what she thinks I should do with my life, and that she is proud of me for being me. It breaks my heart that I will never get that from my adoptive mom or dad.
How did I get adopted into this? My birth mother wanted a better life for me, but I'd do any to give back the clothes, electronics, gifts, concert tickets, name brands, fine jewelry, expensive education, and all of the financial stability and white privilege I have grown up with.. I would do anything to just give it all back just to see her face and hear her say "I love you Kang Son Lee".
I want to have hope in this brith search, I really do.. But even if anyone is located.. I feel like for me personally, it is too much to ask them to accept their American relative that they may not even have known existed. I am trapped by myself between two worlds.. A white world that I'm too yellow to blend into, and a yellow world that I am too white to fall in line.
Currently I am the yellowest white girl basically crying in the student lounge.
당신이 지금 여기 있었으면 어머니, 우리가 손을 잡고 가서 시간을 거슬러 갈 수 있으면 좋겠, 난 우리가 함께 머물 수도 좋겠어. 당신이 밖으로 너무 비어있는 오전, 내 인생은 당신을 밖으로 아무것도 아니야. 난 그냥 당신에게 한국에 집에 가고 싶어요. 널 정말 사랑해.
Today I am sharing with you this original translation of the Korean notes to my birthmother I end my posts with:
Mother I wish you were here right now, I wish we could go hold hands and go back in time, I wish we could have stayed together. I am so empty with out you; My life means nothing with out you. I just want to go home to Korea, to you. I love you so much.