Goodbye Kabin.

Hello Readers. A few days ago I got an email from my social worker for my birth search, Kabin. She sent it out to all her clients.. She resigned from Children's Home Society. She said all her cases will not be put on hold, and that her supervisor will be handling them until other social workers pick them up. I haven't told anyone about this yet because I don't want to believe that the person I started this search with will no longer be there. I do not want to believe that I will have to share everything again, all the negative and scary facts have to be retold.. All my feels, all my hopes and dreams, and my biggest fear.

It's times like these when I wish my birth mother could hold me and tell me that she loves me and I will get through this.. But I am doing this to find her.

I feel so discouraged, freaked out, and so scared. The hardest parts of these searches is having the nerve to start them, having the hope to wait, and knowing your whole world will change at the end. I can't believe I have to start again.. Starting once was hard enough. I haven't even emailed her back or told any of my friends because I do not want to believe this. I started this with her, and now I have to share the dark intimate details again..

That I'm searching to find the home and family I never got in America. That my birth mother told the hospital she was raped by two men and her friends house. That she never told my father about me to protect us. That a friggen psychic told me she gave me up because she knew she was sick and died from it when I was still a kid, and even though I believe in science it fucks with my head. That her family has so much in common with my adoptive family..

That my biggest fear in this search and in my whole heart is that she is already dead, and I am too late to hear her say she loves me and I will only be able to tell her gravestone how much I love her. How do I tell this new social worker how scared I am.

어머니 당신을 찾기 위해 검색을 시작하고, 적어도 감정적으로 나는 새로운 사회 복지사와 함께 다시 시작해야합니다. 난 널 사랑해, 난 당신을 찾을 것입니다.