Hello Readers. The picture below is a large colored pencil canvas drawing I did back in October. It’s called “Help The Homeless”. The link below is a YouTube video of Christina Perri's song "Jar of Hearts". Please wait to listen until the end of this. For the last couple years when I've listened to certain songs the lyrics mean something completely different to me. This song is how I feel about America, And what the government, And its people have done to me. I did not ask to be adopted by anyone, And I did not ask to leave Korea. When I listen to this song I wish I could broadcast it to America. I wish I could just accept that I'm culturally American, But considering all I've been through in this country and because of this country I'd rather die than call myself an American. The US caused South Korea’s international adoption. I feel like I was raped from my homeland. My biology is Korean, but my personality is American. As an adoptee I feel like I really did have to “learn how to live half a life”; I do not view myself as a whole person.
When I started writing this it was a pretty shitty day at school. I was dressed cute, And I had my hair up in a cute Korean bun. The night before a real Asian acknowledged me as a real Asian!!! That had never happened before!! I may have gotten misty and teared up quite a bit actually lol. Regardless of how happy I was or should still be now.. I found myself utterly sad, depressed, and faceless. I have been brooding the past week now.
Korean adoptees were promised a better life through adoption!! We were promised a better life in America the government who caused us to have to leave our homes in the first place! The US can truly do whatever it pleases especially when it comes to treating people like non-humans. The American people are truly ignorant to what they allow their government do those who are not white in their country. I am appalled that people here expecting me to be grateful! Like many adoptees I am confused, scared, and fed up because I'm just floating between two worlds. For me one is where I am from but can't relate to. The other is the only place I know, But I'm an extra piece in the puzzle box.
I hate when people say they understand what I’m going through, And I especially hate it when Caucasian-American adoptees who had Caucasian-American domestic adoptions say they know what I’m going through. We do deal with similar things like family, But you do not have the taboos of race hanging over your head, You don’t have too different countries that you don’t belong to, And you will never feel the way that I feel. Do not compare your domestic adoptions to mine!! Anyone can understand why I feel this pain, But unless you’re an international/interracial adoptee you will never feel pain the way I do.
I AM SO ANGRY!!! THE COUNTRY THAT I WAS RAISED IN, THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND BE GRATEFUL TO IS THE SAME COUNTRY THAT RIPPED ME AWAY FROM MY HOME!!! AND ON TOP OF THAT I AM NOT WELCOMED IN THE STATES, I DO NOT FIT IN WITH WHITE FACES, ME BEING ASIAN WILL ALWAYS GET IN THE WAY OF HAVING REAL FRIENDSHIPS, AND I WILL NEVER BELONG HERE!!
This is what my drawing is about.. I was raised and still live in the country that caused me to be raped from my home. I stay here because I don't know anything else. I don’t see myself as “Americanized” anymore; It sounds like a positive term. I have been “culturally stunted” of my heritage. I am ashamed of who I am; Yellow on the outside and white on the inside. All my birthmother can do is cry when no one is around her and wonder about me, Or cry while watching over me be isolated. I wish I was a whole person, I wish I was one color, I wish I had a home. Please. I am begging you. Help the homeless.
어머니 나는 "진짜"한국어라고 생각하지 않아요. 나는 K-팝 들어, 요리, 한국 옷을 입어 .. 내가 절반 밖에 한국어처럼하지만 난 여전히 느낍니다. 저는 반 정도만 미국 느낌 .. 나는 같이 대신 나는 바닥에 산산조각 것 같은 기분 전체 느낄 수 있었다. 그대는 어디에 있나요? 난 당신을 그렇게 나쁘게 필요 .. 당신 어머니 사랑 해요.