Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Sky Is Falling, Again.

Hello Readers. I feel really alone, and hopeless, and reckless, and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to keep getting better, but I've hit this huge wall. And I don't have a support group.

I'm not as close to the KADs as I would like to be, but I'm not sure I can really be super close with any of them. I guess I'm too young to expect more than hanging out at group calendar events. That sucks.

Double D isn't speaking to me again. For the second time he's freaked out and threw me out of his life. Part of me hates that I'm trying to get better, and he's not. I thought all the stuff with him stemmed from my adoptive dad, and part of that is true. I stay with him, fighting, hoping, begging for him to finally see me for a change. It's exactly like my relationship with my adoptive mom. 

School. I feel like I should give up on any education.

Finding a new job is still a struggle. I don't have the grit to really hang with environmental activists. I don't have the morals to work in high end retail and corporate offices.. But I was raised in that world, I know it well, and I have the personality for it. I have all the 3 piece suits, nice dresses, and sweater sets for it. Maybe some us were just meant to die in a suit. Just let the black cloth snuff your light out kids. This is why our parents drink. 

I know I'm young. I know I am only 23, and that finding myself is a joke at this age. But I need to know now.

My birthmother was 24 when she was raped, got pregnant, had me, and then gave up her first child. I turn 24 this year. I was born on February 24th. It's my golden birthday and the same age my mother was, and realizing this has been killing me for weeks. I haven't even told my therapist yet. 

I am here, but I am drowning again. I'm screaming, and crying, and gasping for air.

I am terrified.


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