Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Trip Home. [Part One]

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've promised to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it, angry me is about the only side of me she response to.

It got to the point that I was begging for my adoptive parents to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states.. Because there were weekends when I stayed in my form alone and just cried over all the drama between the adoptees. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet. However, I am ready to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something. For now I wanted you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready to deal with the pain.

I've been back in the states for 8 months now, and it's time to take off the bandages and deal with the scars.


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