I'm Searching Again!!

Hello Readers. My case worker got back to me the other day. There is no new method in searching with KAS, but holy crap did she figure out something major!! She told me when the KAS laws were put in place my case slipped through their fingers. This means I got very lucky and my search was processed by the old way of the police searching for a missing person. My search was *never* processed through KAS, making me eligible to search through them now. I have a new chance at finding her!!

Tonight I'm filling out the forms to petition KAS to take me case, and I'm updating what I've put in my file. This means new pictures and I'm even writing a new letter to my birthmother. I can't wait to tell her about trip home to Korea and how much I could feel her and felt at home! I hope it makes her so happy to know I've felt home. I feel like a kid coming home from an awesome day at school.. I can't wait to tell my mother all the wonderful things that I've been up to since I started searching for her.

I'm so full of joy in telling her all this news I'm shaking. It almost makes me forget that she may never hear the news. Even if she never makes contact and they can only read my letters over the phone, I think she'd be really happy for me. I think she'd be really proud that despite everything we've been through, her little girl is grown up and making it. So tonight I'm filling out forms and writing my mother. I'm making collages of myself, and will decompress with some adoptee books.

Tonight I start my 2 year search again. My hope, heart, and world has been revitalized!

*Cheers*

KAS: New Searching Method

Hello Readers. Today my case worker will be back in the office and she'll shoot me an email about the *new method* of birth searching through KAS. If I don't try this and remain inactive, they'll close my case on New Years and I can try again in a few years.

I have no idea what this new method is and I'm still very sketchy on how KAS works. The number one thing I've learned in the past two years is they always know more than they can tell you. But I'm sick of being in hiding. Knowing my case is considered "inactive" makes me a little sick of myself. I need to shake all the bad from my trip home, so I can get my head back in the game. This means admitting what happened over there, the parts I didn't enjoy.. The parts that made me cry, want to give up, and fly stateside everyday.

It sucks not talking about it with people, but I'd like to hold into my pride for a little bit longer. Eventually I'll spill the beans later this week. Promise.

For now my head is all about this new hope in searching. I don't know what the new method or challenges with it will be, but this is another shot at searching. It's only a tiny ray of light through the grey clouds.. But it's still so warm and perfectly golden on my skin. Truth be told I'm still very worn from summer's touch, but to not soak this in now would be me letting down myself. And I have enough white people letting me down already! I'm ready to start bad-assing my adoptee issues again!

Ok fellow KADs, Listen up! Let's get on our war paint, let's go in fearless, and part these clouds for a chance of hope! This is my best shot for the next 3 years, and maybe at the best Christmas I could ever dream of..

*Cheers*

A Lonely Holiday II

Hello Readers. I really hate my adoptive parents right now. Who leaves their disturbed child alone for the holidays? I feel like I could disappear and nothing would change in their life. If I didn't have such a thirst to go back to Korea I'd kill myself in their house. Give them the best present to come home to; a real fucking Christmas miracle for them! Maybe evoke some sort of emotion out of them that they hurt me that fucking much and this is not a phase!! I hate them!!

I just want to scream, and cry, and shout at them until they fucking get it!! They are not good parents, but they are all I have. I hate every single thing about them right now and I hate that I need them so badly. When are they going to wake up and realize that they have a child desperate for their attention. Desperate for some thing besides money from them. I can't continue to never be enough for them to fucking care about!! Ahhhh!!!

Everyone keeps saying I should come home with them for Christmas, or our friends should have our own Christmas together. Every year it's the same.. I skip the extended family Christmases, but at least there was always Christmas morning with.. My parents. Everyone makes these offers, but I'm too ashamed to have to explain to someone's family why I'm not with my own family. That I'm adopted and my adoptive parents don't love me. The truth is kind of bummer when carving the Christmas ham.

Of course lots of people have Christmas parties and I attend, but my closest groups have never been ones to want such an event. Why force them to have an extra social event to worry about? But like any person I wish I had a Ted Mosby around. A best friend that would fuck off Christmas and try and give me some cheer.

I'm thinking about taking the same days off my parents are gone. Either throw a couple parties, or stay home and cry on the floor. As brilliant as those options are I do have the 3rd option of getting out of town. I need to get my head out of this mess. I'm still looking for a way to get stronger.

Basically Readers this Christmas I will be alone. I have to find a sense of real family somewhere, because this life. This life isn't working.

*Cheers*